{a creative life}

annoyed...at myself

2010-08-17T20:55:00.000-06:00

I'm annoyed...at myself...so forgive me if I rant and rave a little. As I sit here writing this I am tired and feeling drained. Not the typical late night tiredness (although that too) but also because it was a very rough day physically. My sugar was all over the place today...I had a major crash around 11:00, to the point where I came home and tested to see just hoe bad it was....yeah it wasn't good. So I ate something and relaxed a little and it did come back up so I headed back to work. Still not feeling the greatest but I had to get back to work so that I could actually have my vacation for the next 3 days. Anyway, about an hour or so after I got back to work I felt a crash coming on so I tested and it was dropping again which I couldn't figure out. Anyway....throughout the day it was up and down and I really had to make sure I was eating to get it stabilized. So after a day like that you tend to feel exhausted and kind of woozy...almost like a hangover feeling.
So why do I tell you this? Well I am more getting it out because I am pissed that I let it happen and actually have been letting it happen for the last month or so. See, when I am eating healthy and eating smaller meals and cutting out the crap, this doesn't happen. I feel good and have fairly good energy. So why the heck is it that even when I know this...I still choose to make shitty decisions when it comes to what I eat/drink. I add drink in there because my coffee drinks are some of my worse offenders.
I am tired of being on this roller coaster that I put myself on...this up and down of eating right and not eating right. I just can't seem to keep myself on a good pattern and it is pissing me off.
I am sick and tired of being..well... sick and tired....Tomorrow I am going to a metabolic disorder doctor. I had this suggestion from my trainer and the more research I did on it, the more I realized that I have a lot of the symptoms of a metabolic disorder. So tomorrow I will go for the initial testing where we will talk about all my crappy symptoms and do some tests (including bloodwork..yuck!) I am both excited and apprehensive...I want to see if this really could be what I am fighting and how I can combat it.
In the meantime, I vow never to have another day like today in terms of my sugar...and I know how to avoid it...so I just need to stick with that!!

longing to be green again

2010-08-17T20:40:00.000-06:00

what the heck do I mean by this?? I mean to be wearing The Green Apron again of course....to be working at Starbucks again. It's funny when I first started at Starbucks while living in Arizona it was for two reasons: I found myself in need of health insurance and I was going crazy being at home with my freelance job with no human interaction. A friend in my Bible study suggested I interview and from then on it's history....I LOVED that job. Don't get me wrong it was work and I worked a lot of weird crazy long hours but the job suited me so well. I am a people person, I love to interact with all kinds of people...even the crabby ones.
When I moved back to Illinois I had every intention of just transferring back to a store here and keep working but with moving back and starting back at the full time job, I decided that it would be too much. Ever since then I have missed it...every time I walk into a store (which is often..lol) I get that feeling of wanting to be back behind the counter. So the other day I was at one with my Mom and a friend of ours and I decided to ask if they were doing any hiring. A manager said most definitely because there were people going back to school and leaving, there were a few locations in the area needing people. I've been thinking for a little while that I need something part-time, to help financially and also have that social interaction again. So I went home and applied on-line (which is a new thing for them). I am hoping I will hear something...I would love to be green again...and I will admit I still have my aprons and all my manuals...I know I'm a nerd!

So here's hoping....

underwater again?

2010-08-15T20:51:00.000-06:00

About a year ago I started going to a new church, The Orchard

I wasn't a fan of church "shopping" on my own but knew that it was time to move on from where I was going. The first thing that drew me in was the fact that there was a Saturday night service..I loved that I could go and then be able to sleep in on Sundays or do other activities. I went pretty steady for about 3 months and then I started getting out of the habit...other things got in the way...and while I could sit here and say that it was "life" that got in the way, I now know that it was more fear than anything. Fear of the things that I were doing in my life weren't really honoring to God and deep down I knew it. So I ran...
The moment I needed to stick my heels in and face church...face my faith....face my failures...I ran....
The thing that I love about the Orchard is that it is very "real" there...everything from the worship to the sermons...no one is put on a pedestal except for God...they feel strongly about bringing broken people into the church. People that need or want a second chance...whatever you have been through it doesn't matter...bring it.

So much different than what I found when I returned to my former church before moving to Arizona. It was "his" church originally and even though many said that I was welcome by myself it still felt like everyone was judging or questioning. I needed to go someplace where no one knew my story nor did they care...unless I wanted to share it. I found that at The Orchard...

Sometime this spring I decided that I needed to get back to church...I started attending more regulalry and started feeling something good happening. I knew that there was a change coming inside of me...I didn't know how or when it would happen but I just decided to wait it out. There were still times that I was making poor choices but I still kept going to church and facing those choices head on. With worship and intense messages.

The time came for the yearly BBQ & Baptism at the church and I was really excited about it. I volunteered to help out at the BBQ and was really looking forward to seeing the baptisms. I went to church on Sunday morning with good friends and the service rocked my world. The music was intense and during the sermon they had a few people that were getting baptized later in the day telling their stories. Where they had come from, why they had made this choice...the stories we awesome. One in particular hit home about choices and forgiveness. Two things that I had struggled with especially in the last year. After the sermon they had another song and prayer...I cried through the entire thing. I had never ever felt more convicted to make some serious changes. I felt the holy spirit right there....I decided right then that I wanted to have a fresh start...so I sought out one of the pastors after the service and asked if I could be baptized later in the day. He said yes and then I was on a whirlwhind the rest of the day to get ready and fulfill my volunteering duties.
Getting in the water and watching the people getting "dunked" before me was amazing...I felt relieved and knew that this was the right choice. When I came out of the water I felt like I was on a high...God's natural high! I made some very hard decisions to stop things I was doing and take a break from some things...a week later and I am still feeling blessed and trying to open my eyes to learning all that I can on this new journey that God has me on.

my trainer and friend

2010-08-15T19:32:00.003-06:00

I briefly mentioned in my last post that I have a new trainer....I want to start this by saying he is awesome and has made the transition great!

When I first started working out at the gym I had started with Trainer #1...he and I did not mesh AT ALL...his style of motivation was not what I was looking for and instead of just living with it I decided to make a few waves and let them know I wanted to change. Then comes along Joe...my Mom had actually been working out with him so I had talked to him every once in awhile and she really like him. So I decided to give it a try.

My first few workouts with Joe were getting to know each other...me learning his personality and training styles...him learning my limitations and where he could push. I think it was probably only the second week where I felt like we were old friends. He was not only a trainer but a good therapist and friend...supporting not only in terms of working out and food issues but other stresses in my life. We had fun during workouts but we also worked hard and I felt and saw changes in my body. Even when we weren't working out, I would get motivational texts and checking in on my with my food choices. I never felt like I was being yelled at and never saw dissapointment when I made bad choices....just tried to figure out what sparked it.

Even during my foot injury when I was so down on myself, Joe was there to pick me up....he knew what to say and when to make me laugh. In July, Joe got married and took a much deserved week off for a honeymoon. That week made me realize how much he meant as a trainer and friend...needless to say I didn't do much working out that week! About the second time after he got back I came into the gym for a workout and was warming up on the bike. Joe came over and he had a very serious look on his face and seemed like he was struggling to tell me something. It was then that I felt that feeling in my stomach...you know the one..where something is coming...Joe has decided to move to another gym in an effort to improve and gain financially for his family. I of course couldn't be mad at him for that and realized that it was the best thing for him and his family...but boy at that moment my world felt like it was crashing down. I know it may sound dramatic....but I thought about what I would do, who I would workout with, who would be that extra push that I needed oh so much? We didn't work out that day...we sat and tried not to cry...talked about who I could go with. Eventually, I just left the gym and came home and balled my eyes out.

So for the next week I tried to come to terms with what was happening....even though I still miss him and yes we still talk every once in awhile...there were a couple of things I realized. First, even though Joe is at another gym I still have with me everything he taught me...about working out and about choices. I will never ever forget the sound of his laugh (that is really just not possible!!) He has given me foundations that I will take with me to every workout. Second, while having a trainer is awesome and a great privelage I need to learn to be able to motivate myself...to get my butt in the gym and work hard just like I had someone right there telling me to push.

Now it is on to trainer #3, Tom...he is different but still motivating and funny just in a really quiet way! Which is way different for me...lol.

to quit or not to quit

2010-08-15T19:16:00.002-06:00

so the last time I was on here back in May...really can't believe I have let this go this long...I was starting a fitness challenge at the gym. For the first couple of weeks I did really well, was getting into a workout groove and lost a few pounds. Then...some wet stairs mixed with flip flops happened...I originally went to urgent care just to make sure nothing was broken. X-Ray came back with nothing broken and I was sent home with crutches and told to stay off it. I stayed off it for a weekend and by Monday it was somewhat better...I was trying to still workout but not doing much on my foot. Well about a week later I was a bit cocky at the gym and I think I hurt it more or again. So to the orthopedic doc I went and came home with a diagnosis of two sprained ligaments and at minimum two weeks in a walking boot. The boot was hell...and so was the fact that she told me I could do no weight bearing exercises at the gym.

to make a long story short I spent six weeks in the boot, started some physical therapy and actually followed the doctors orders by not doing anything leg related at the gym. Needless to say...it was a blow to my motivation and momentum in the fitness challenge. I was still working out but really could only do upper body which meant not a lot of calorie burning. I have been out of the boot for over a week now and the foot is feeling good...although I am still babying it.

when my new trainer (more on that in the next post) asked me the other day if I was finishing the challenge I said no...why would I? I haven't really lost any weight and with the injury I didn't feel like I accomplished anything. Boy did I get a look from him...and then when I mentioned something to my old trainer he said...there is no way you are quitting.

both of their words have stuck with me all weekend...and I realize they are right. Part of my issues with weight is that I start of strong and then something changes and I quit...I don't finish. So I have realized that even though I may have not met my goals for this challenge I am still going to finish strong....I have about 2 1/2 more weeks and I will do the best I can...and also write the essay that goes along with it!

so no quitting!!!

same ol' story

2010-08-15T19:08:00.003-06:00

I know what you are thinking....every time she comes on here every couple of months and says "oh I'm sorry for being gone so long" yada yada yada....well I am sorry I have been gone. It is actually pretty funny because I think about the blog almost on a daily basis.....what I should do with it, starting something totally new, etc.

So anyway....lots of changes in me...on the blog...here is a preview of what's to come:

* to quit or not to quit

* my trainer and friend

* underwater again?

* longing to be green again

ok...so see you very soon!!!

THE Challenge

2010-05-28T21:22:00.003-06:00

So the weight loss contest starts next weekend (coincides with my birthday...ironic?) and will go through August 29th. Basically 3 months...my trainer and I have talked a lot about what I need to do or not do. Here is a general outline...

*MUST watch the food intake...I am already eliminating Gluten and any refined flours so I will be generally eliminating carbs all together. I will be keeping a daily food log which I have already put in a binder and put some Tracy touches to it...you know I have to be organized about this!!

*I will be working out with my trainer minimally two times a week possibly three. During these workouts I need to bring all I have so that I can burn maximum calories! I will also be working out two mornings a week with my challenge buddy! I also plan on adding in some yoga and Zumba classes to this mix so I can burn more and have some fun too!

*I will be taking my vitamins and supplements everyday as I should be!! I also plan on doing a lot of smoothies and "green" drinks...more on that to come!

So that is a general outline...I am sure that things will be added or tweeked. I am excited and nervous...I really feel like this is the big push that I need so I want to do well....and more than ever it is for myself.

BRING IT!

2010-05-26T20:09:00.003-06:00

So after my last post of feeling all down and icky it was clear something needed to change. I needed something to get me moving....and so enters my trainer.

About a week or so ago he told me about a gym-wide contest they were having. I actually remember it from last year, I had just joined the gym and the time is was going on. So bottom line is that the winner gets $10,000 and the choose one male & one female winner. Now this is gym-wide between all XSport locations...25 in all. Sounds tough right? Well there are a few other catches...but my trainer looked at me and said "you are doing this" He knew that I needed a push....in my workouts I bring it...I very rarely back down and usually I push myself even though he says to stop. So really the exercise part is not an issue although I will have to push myself a bit more on the days I don't train with him.
So what is my fear? The food!!! What has challenged me the past few months is my food intake. I know it too...I am totally aware of when I either eat too much or bad stuff. But you know what...I am sick of being afraid of food. I know deep down and I need to listen to that voice in my head.
So now what?? Well I AM doing the contest and I am going to BRING IT in every way...exercise, food, mentally...every part. I am doing this for me...that I can believe in myself and have the confidence to know that I am good enough to be healthy.
Be prepared because in the coming months this might just turn into a weightloss blog but I hope you will be a part of the journey!!!

disappointment

2010-05-11T20:35:00.004-06:00

*****5/26/10...so I wrote this about 2 weeks ago when I was feeling quite low...it is really not even finished but I decided that I wanted to post it anyway....it is good for me to see my thoughts....good and bad!!*****

first of all let me say that I had to Google this word because it is one of my words that I just stumble over spelling...anyway back to the subject....so disappointment, we have all experienced it in one way or another. In others or in ourselves. Lately, I have been struggling with disappointment within myself especially when it comes to the changes I am trying to make in my diet and exercise.
I have been a member of a gym now for almost a year and I have really enjoyed it. It gets me out among the living so to speak and challenges me. I have been working with a personal trainer for about the last 5 months and I am feeling stronger and more toned which is a great feeling. I find that when I am working out with my trainer I challenge myself more and more, I usually don't back down when he says lets do more or add more weight. It feels great at the end of the workout when I have burned a good amount of calories, it makes the pain all worth while.
So while my workouts have been going well, my food choices on the other hand...well they suck. The thing is that it is not even that I eat a lot during the day, it is what I am eating. I am a lover of sweets, breads, cheese and coffee drinks!!! All the things that should be greatly reduced when trying to lose weight. I have slipped in the past month or so and therefore have gained back about 5 pounds of what I have lost so far...not a big number I know, but it has been the first gain I have had in about a year. The disappointment comes in because I have spent a lot of time and money on the whole exercise thing and because I have not made better food choices I am not losing more.
It is a viscious cycle, one that has haunted me most of my life.

mothers...

2010-05-09T08:31:00.002-06:00

Ahhh today is Mother's Day. It's an interesting day for a lot of us. For most they celebrate their own mothers or being mothers themselves. For some they are remembering a mother that has passed or just might not be in their lives. For me it hits me two ways....
First and foremost to celebrate my own mother. I have to say I was way way blessed in this department. My mom is the most amazing woman I know, I continue to learn from her even into adulthood. My Mom and I have such a bond that we can most times know what each other is thinking or finish sentences. Yes scary I know. Through every step of my life, whether good or bad, Mom has been a constant rock in my life. I remember when I was still out in Arizona and I was going through my divorce. It was a really icky time as not only was I going through the divorce but he was heavy into his addiction and I was trying to help. I was talking to her on a weekday and I think she just knew in my voice that I needed her. She flew out for a long weekend and I just remember feeling so re-charged after that. We laughed and cried and did some shopping along the way, several things that we are known for. She is always there when I need her...no matter how far. I have learned over the years that I really am extremely lucky to have a Mom like her because some people have very difficult mothers to deal with. I truly thank God every day for His gift.
Secondly on this day I can't help but feel a little sadness for not being a Mom yet. I know that in time it will work out however it works out. Whether I have a child naturally or be able to be a part of someone else's life. I don't really worry about it but there are days where I have a tinge of sadness and wish that I could experience that true love that a mother has for their child.
To all my friends, family and other mother figures that I have had in my own life...I wish you a fabulous day!! Full of relaxation and remembering how loved you are!

reflections in the mirror

2010-05-05T19:40:00.003-06:00

do you wish that sometimes you didn't have to look in the mirror?? Do you look at yourself and sometimes are not even aware of who that person is looking back at you? Since I was a little girl I have battled with being overweight. I can't even remember being able to shop in the "juniors" section I went straight to women's. Looking in the mirror even then I remember the voices in my head....why is my face pudgy? why can't I have nice clear skin? why can't my teeth be straight? I still hear those same voices today...they are just a little different as I get older...why is my face still pudgy? why do I have teenage skin? why do I have hair where I shouldn't? It has always been hard to look in the mirror and see "me"...to see my soul....I can't get past the physical. I believe it when people say that true beauty comes from within, but with the society we live in it makes is really hard not to wish for outer beauty.
For someone who has fought my entire life with weight, food and exercise I am quickly getting tired. Tired of trying something "new", the next great "plan"...what I am quickly learning is that this problem really isn't about what I eat (with the exception of a few indulgences) it is about my mindset.
My mind is my worse enemy in more ways than one....I have dealt with anxiety and depression since high school. The way that my anxious mind works is that it moves about 500 miles a minute from one thing to another. These things are usually not the everyday stuff like what to get at the grocery store or forgetting to put away laundry. Generally my mind thinks about things I said in a conversation, what I want to change, the "what ifs" This includes all the icky body image stuff and comparing myself to others....oh mind how I wish sometimes you could just shut-off.
I have been doing a lot of reading about creative visualization (more to come on that), the other day a quote came up that said "What we think about is what we bring about" Think about (haha no pun intended) when you decide to be in a good mood and don't let anything get you down you overall have a better day, week, etc. When you think about how something is going to "suck"..like the next day at work, dinner with family or whatever you do indeed have a crappy day. The same goes for thinking about my body..if I zone in and think about the things that I like about my body I will be happy about it. Right now I can accept my body as it is..today.
I found this "mantra" I guess that might just post by my mirror so that I can read it every time I see it....

I am an amazing, unique, beautiful, and intelligent person. I have a special perspective to bring to the table, because I am a result of my lived experiences, and thus, no other person on earth can offer exactly what I can. I am lovable, and am as successful as I allow myself to be. I am worth listening to.

patterns

2010-05-01T19:29:00.004-06:00

So for my little OCD brain...yes at least I admit it...patterns are kind of my thing. I like things to be organized and even...like when it comes to Christmas ornaments or something like that...it needs to be in an organized pattern. So is that the kind of pattern I am going to talk about...not quite.

pat·tern, noun

A consistent, characteristic form, style, or method, as:
a. A composite of traits or features characteristic of an individual or a group: one's pattern of behavior.
b. Form and style in an artistic work or body of artistic works.

In life we have patterns that we fall into. Patterns of how we do things, how we speak, how we dress even. Some are learned as a child, most I feel are learned at more impressionable ages and times of our lives. I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago about negative patterns...we all have them...overeating, smoking, shopping too much, keeping things we don't need...the list can go on. Some of us only battle one, some might battle several. And they are a battle...you know deep down you need to change or break the pattern. Maybe you change for a little while but then you slip right back into the pattern, maybe you are sooo deep into it that you don't even know how to pull yourself out.
I myself right now am battling the whole eating right, dieting, exercising battle. I have a very clear pattern where this subject is concerned. I get really pumped up and find myself reading, researching, trying new things all in the hopes that this time something will help me from breaking the pattern. I spend A LOT of money on gym memberships, personal training, accessories that will help my workouts, whatever it may be...I do it...for awhile at least. Then something happens...maybe I get sick and have to take some time off or I am not seeing results quick enough so I think nothing will work. OR I will decide to try something new which usually involves more research, money, etc....see my pattern here?
What's funny (well not really) is that I totally see my pattern and am very aware of it, but still don't have the knowledge or really the willpower of how to break it. Having learned a little in the past few years about addiction I know that the only way to break negative behaviors is to just keep working at it...one day at a time. As I said in my last post every day is new and a fresh start. Had a bad dinner last night? OK fine, but get right back on the healthy train this morning. If you don't...it will just build again and snowball.
We want so bad to break patterns and what I think we don't think about is that most of these patterns took YEARS to build. They will not change overnight...it is just not even possible. Do I wish I was like Samantha on Bewitched and just twinkle my nose...hell yeah! Who doesn't? It will take days, months, maybe even years to break the pattern and you just have to be kind to yourself in the meantime.

what I didn't want to say....

2010-05-01T19:01:00.002-06:00

I think a lot of times we stop doing something because it scares us. That deep down maybe we are really getting to a part of ourselves where we are learning just who we are as a person and instead of digging even deeper we throw the shovel down and run as fast as we can in the opposite direction.

Since my divorce it has been an up and down ride of healing and in the opposite respect burying things deep. I stopped blogging because really what was in my mind and also what I was doing were not positive. During this I didn't have respect for myself, emotionally or physically. I don't need to go into complete details (although before I worry people it was not drugs or alcohol) but I certainly wasn't honoring myself or God with my actions. Deep down I knew that I should stop but I was trying to fill a void and really what happened was that the void got bigger. I abandoned things that made me happy...like writing, scrapbooking and church.

What I have come to realize is that these actions will not fill this void. I have to fill it..and not only that I need to love myself first. If I am doing something that I feel ashamed of or that does not honor myself...I am not loving myself.
So what I have vowed to myself is that I am going to start doing those things again that make me happy...that make me who I am...because you know what? That person is actually pretty darn cool. Will I slip? Will I have a day where I will stumble off this new path? of course...but the great thing about life is that you get to start new each day.

back {{and working on}} getting better!!

2010-05-01T18:28:00.003-06:00

Back in the winter I had decided that I was going to close this blog because I felt I needed a fresh start with blogging. Like me, this blog has been through a lot and I felt like maybe it was time to leave it behind. So I started a new blog and wrote about 3 posts on it and abandoned blogging all together. Maybe it was because I was afraid of what I would write (more on that later) or I was scared of what people would think about what I wrote. Either way I stopped writing...which was not good. Writing has always been therapy for me. I have always been able to write the good and bad feelings, getting them out on paper (or screen) helped me feel like I got past them. So when I stopped writing it meant that everything was in my head....oh boy not a good idea. Moods have been up and down, anxiety has been raised and even the feeling of some added depression.
The past few weeks have not been any better...in fact feeling even more down and in a "funk" then ever before. I had an extremely strong urge to go to church this weekend...that also had gone by the wayside (another post on that). So here I sit after an extremely power worship service and fantastic sermon. What hit me those most as I was driving home was the urge to write and blog...but not on the new...on this one. This is my life...through the past three years I have come hear to laugh, cry, vent and sometimes just be downright silly. So why would I just let that go?!?! This blog is a part of my history...and while I can go ahead and be done with some of the memories that doesn't mean they will go away.

So hang on kids...I have a lot to say and share.....ready?!?!

Singlechick Chronicles: Treading Lightly

2009-08-06T09:06:00.004-06:00

As I sit here packing for this weekend I have a mixture of feelings. Excitement, nervousness, fear and adventure. I am literally stepping into the unknown and doing something that I have no idea of the outcome. Hopefully the outcome is that I am able to walk all three days with little pain and few blisters.

Lately, I feel that is how my life is, like there is a new adventure around every corner and I have to take each step a little blindly. I especially find this true in the whole dating/relationship/love arena. Many people have said to me that it will happen in God's timing, that I need to just relax and let things happen. While in my head I know this is true, my heart doesn't like that plan. I have always been a very relational person, even when I was little I was always looking for the love and support of others. The approval even? As I have gotten older I still continue to do that even when the outcome might not be positive for my heart. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it seems it just always gets stomped on and I wonder why I continue to put it out there?

I know I have talked about this many times on here but it just seems to fit in with this weekends adventure of walking. I don't know the outcome of what will happen to my heart, I know that only God has that control. I also know that I just need to trust that He is going to put that person in my life that will be gentle with it...because right now it is tired and weary.

Reminds me of the verse that I have on my blog header:

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I know this verse is true because I am certainly a different person than I was two years ago, but I can't help but wonder if I will still be in this position of being single two years more from now. I know that all I can do is wake-up every day and be grateful for what I have; family and friends that show me what true unconditional love is all about and a God that does the same.

facing the fear

2009-08-03T19:33:00.004-06:00

I have recently started watching a show on the Style network called Ruby. Basically it is the story of a woman and her weight loss journey. She originally started at 750 pounds and is now under 350. The show and Ruby's story hit home with me not because I have or need to shed that amount of weight, but because the emotional struggle is the same.

When I started working with my nutrition coach last November there was a huge fire lit under me to make the changes and I did....but when I got near that number that in the past I had always lost, I got scared. The magic number it seems for me is 25 pounds...let me explain what I mean by that. I have been on many diets through my 31 years of life, I almost feel like I have been on a diet since I was about 12. What usually happens is that I have a fire to lose, lose about 20-25 pounds and then stop. I decide that I can't do it, make an excuse that it is costing too much money, don't have the time...whatever the excuse is I said it.

So when I hit that number in early spring and actually went past 25 pounds I was scared out of my wits. The fat girl inside of me kept saying "well you have done this before and you'll just quit again" What stinks is that I let that fat girl win somewhat because I did stop working with my nutrition coach, a good part of it was financial...but there was still an excuse. So for a couple of months I crept back into some old eating habits, I actually was a little proud of myself because even though I did do that I really only fluctuated back about 3-5 pounds.

A couple of weeks ago I met someone that had recently lost a considerable amount of weight and wanted to help me get back on track. The plan suggested was radical and I immediately put my hands up and was like "oh no I can't do that" What I have realized in the last couple of days is that I am not scared of the plan, while radical yes it was only slightly different than what I had been doing with my nutrition coach. I am scared of hearing that voice from within that says I can't do it, you'll just go back to what you were...you aren't good enough.

See Ruby said something in her show this week that made me perk up and listen again to what she said...I have learned to survive as an overweight person. This is the only life I have know because I have pretty much been overweight my whole life. I don't know what it is like to buy clothes in "regular" section, I don't know what it's like to not have a panic attack when putting on a swimsuit. And while these things are exciting and should be incentive enough to lose, they are also unknowns which are scary. See losing the weight is like losing a big part of me, the person I know and stepping into something and someone that I don't know. It's much more than a new eating plan and exercise, it is a complete makeover from the inside out.

It's moving into the unknown...which you all know I am not good at. I function better when the path is exactly laid out with no surprises. What donned on me though is just a couple of years ago I was in a situation where I had no plan. Things changed on a daily basis and I just had to deal with them as they came. I tried to make very intentional and wise choices and I think looking back my path worked out just fine. So I just need to look at this the same way, it is unknown...I don't know the person on the other end. I have had glimpses of her through the years but never met her head on. There is a saying or a title to a book or something that goes....facing the fear and doing it anyway. I think it is time for me to finally meet her, to put aside the fear of the fat girl inside of me.

countdown for change

2009-08-03T11:41:00.003-06:00

Music has always been my therapy. There always seems to be a song that fits my mood whether happy or sad. A song that exactly says the words that are deep in my heart.

as I go into this major week....the week that I take the biggest challenge of my life in walking the 3-Day, I thought about this song. It so describes right where I am at...becoming a new person, making changes for the positive in a lot of areas of my life. I have been told by many many people that this walk is a life-changing emotional experience, part of me is really scared of that because I have so many things that I am working through right now. Things that are right at the surface and I am just hoping that this experience will just allow me to keep stepping (no pun intended about walking) in the right direction and let go of the parts of the old me that I want to so desperately change.

So Long by Natalie Grant

Mystified by the struggle
To survive my own pride
Haunted by the demons
Of my past life
Who am I and why do I
Are questions that keep running
Through my mind
But underneath this shallow skin
A brand new me is comin' out,
Comin' out from within

Chorus:
So long
Farewell to my old self
Good-bye to the lie that I can't be someone else
Cause who I was ain't who I am
(I know that) I've been born again
Those stains of my history are gone, gone, gone
So long

Apathy, hunting me
Like some contagious disease
Hypocrisy hiding in the shadows
Of the former me
Doin' what comes naturally
I'm not who I want to be
I'm ready to, ready to be free
Repeat Chorus

Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long

Na-na-na, na-na-na-na
Hey, hey, hey
So long

From Dwelling to Joy

2009-08-02T21:36:00.003-06:00

there has been very few times that I have sat in a church service and really felt like God was right there talking directly to me. That changed today. I wasn't actually going to church this morning because I was gonna have breakfast with someone instead, well plans changed so I decided to head to church. I felt like I needed it anyway. Well from the moment I walked in and the first song they sang I got the feeling that today was going to be "that" day for me.
we have been doing a series on "iChoose", talking about choosing different things in our lives. Today was about Joy. I don't think about that word too much, not sure why? For some reason I almost associate the word Joy with the Christmas season...you see it a lot in cards, songs, etc. Today the basis of the sermon was allowing problems, big or small, to "Zap our Joy" What made me feel even more like God was talking right to me was that the main verse for the sermon was one of my favorites....

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. James 1:2-3

This verse was very effective for me when I was going through everything a couple of years ago. Today though, I looked at it differently. Basically it is saying...have joy even though you have problems, and through that joy your faith will grow even stronger. Basically when you let go of problems and choose joy instead you are telling God "I Trust You" Wow...when he said that today I just kind of looked up and said OK God...I hear ya.
Lately I have realized more and more that I dwell on things way too much. Even silly things like something someone said to me that was just stupid. Why do I waste time on that? I am choosing those problems and then they zap my joy..and most of the time they are so small.
So my goal is to choose Joy first...telling God, I Trust You!

By the way...here were some suggestions from the sermon today
* Engage Life with Gratitude
By looking at what we have we are taking the focus off the problems and of ME
* Embrace A Life of Celebration
Remember to celebrate everything...even the little things!
* Everyday is a Gift, Every Moment!

crawl

2009-07-29T07:03:00.003-06:00

the other day I wrote about choosing me...apparently I didn't read what I had written. The last couple of days I have realized that I have slipped into some old behaviors that don't allow me to put myself first. I am so tired of that...so tired of being in second place, so tired of others taking advantage, tired of people not wanting me for where I am at the point I am at....

this song lately has really been on my heart...what I need to remember is that whatever happens I have God and He will carry me through.

How long will this take
How much can I go through
My heart, my soul aches
I don`t know what to do
I bend but don`t break
And somehow I`ll get through
Cause I have you

Chorus
And if I have to crawl
Will you crawl too?
I stumble and fall
Carry me through
The wonder of it all is you
See me through

Oh Lord where are you
Do not forget me here
I cry in silence
Can you not see my tears
When all have left
And hope has disappeared
You find me here

Bridge
When everything I am is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
When everything I am is lost
I have forgot but you have not
When I am lost you have not lost me
You have not lost me

the last word

2009-07-27T21:14:00.003-06:00

do you know someone who always has to have the last word? are you that someone? You know the type...in any conversation or argument they always have to have the last word, the last statement, the last dig. I will admit that I am that person sometimes if not most of the time.

I was thinking about that today while mowing the lawn...not sure why but I get the most thinking done either in the car or while mowing the lawn. There is something about those times that make my mind clear...crazy I know. So there I was mowing along and I was thinking about thinking. I know sounds silly...but I am still processing the whole "stinkin' thinking" theory. I did well most of the day with not dwelling and living right in the present but for some reason I slipped into it later in the afternoon after having a conversation with someone. What I felt was that I hadn't said everything that I wanted to say, that there was more I wanted him to understand. The more I mowed, the more I thought about how I always want the last word and always want to make sure that I get every feeling out. It made me feel stupid about the way I was acting, what I needed to realize was that there would be time to express myself and expound on what I was thinking. Here's the kicker though...in the past I have felt that I always wanted to get the last word in because I was afraid the person would leave, never talk to me again, abandon me. That has happened in my life that is true but I have to trust God that he is bringing people into my life that won't do that again and if it does then I have Him to lean on.

When Jesus was dying on the cross he was the one to get in the last words. "It is finished" With those words our sins were paid and we could live without suffering. What makes me think about that is that I don't need to get in the last words...I can let some words go and just let God take control of them, because the reality is that sometimes those words will not glorify Him and should never be spoken.

we must always remember the impact that our words have on others, ourselves and of course God. Words can build-up, make someone laugh, make us cry, breakdown, be angry, be hurtful, be stimulating, shameful, show excitement and show love.

when thoughts stink

2009-07-26T18:59:00.003-06:00

stinkin' thinking....a term that is pretty easy to conceptualize. crappy thinking...about everything...all the time...dwelling...

this is me

I am the definition of a stinkin' thinker. I dwell on the past and future...rarely in the present. The past 2 years there has been a lot of junk build-up in the brain and it seems like that a day doesn't go by when I "hear" something from those tapes...replaying in my brain. Some things can bring up those thoughts, some just surface all by themselves because I dredge them up on my own. And don't get me started on the what-ifs of the future...that is really just another blog post.

here is what I know...or really what I have learned from people...this will get me nowhere very fast. It will eat away what positives I do hear or think and take away from the new person I want to be. I took a long 12 mile walk today in my training for the 3-Day and I learned that I still have baggage following me around...after all this time it is still there. I know that everyone deals with things in their own time but I really thought that I was releasing the past and moving on. While I think I have had to a point I found today that there was more to go.

and what do I think about that?? ahhhh..maybe I shouldn't tell since I am not supposed to be thinking?? Well ok one more thought...it pisses me off. After all that time of those people and thoughts consuming my time, my life, my heart I still can't move on even though I so desperately want to. We all know that I am overall a pretty laid back person but I also like things to be in control...kind of a contradiction I know. So it just really makes me angry that those thoughts aren't gone.

even as I walked today the old tapes were playing...you can't do it, you aren't strong enough, just quit like you always do....luckily this time around I had some new thoughts in my head. I can do it, I am worthy because I am a Child of God, and I will not quit until tomorrow.

so how to make the change from stinkin' thinking to a positive mental attitude? Honestly, I don't totally know but what I do know is that I cannot continue to live in that past or the future for that matter. Like the changes in my eating and exercise plan I will have to get up every day and let the stinky thoughts go and focus on just this day.

And maybe just maybe by the grace of God if I am able to let go of these old tapes that play in my head I will sleep better, have less anxiety and dare I say love myself more?

"Don't Copy the behaviors and customs of this world but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God's will for you which is good and pleasing and perfect." Romans 12:2

iChoose...ME!

2009-07-26T07:31:00.003-06:00

lately I have been trying out a new church and I have really been enjoying it. I like the fact that I am not linked with someone or a past that I am just my own person. Plus I just really enjoy the worship and the teachings. Lately they have had a series going called iChoose...basically about the choices we make, the responses to them, etc. It has been a really good series so far because it has made me think about choices I make in my own life in a lot of different aspects.
About 8 months ago I decided to make huge changes in my life when it came to diet and exercise. I started working with a nutrition coach and buckled down. In the beginning the choices were easy...I had limited things to choose from when it came to eating and the exercise was pretty simple as well. Not simple as in I didn't sweat my butt off but just exercise that I could handle doing and commit time to. A couple of months went by and the pounds melted off it was awesome, it made me feel so good about myself and what I was doing.
In the spring I hit a snag, there was a point that I couldn't get past and I got frustrated...majorly. I felt like I had let myself down and the mental toughness that I had at the start was dwindling away with each day. I slowly got off the eating plan although I was still exercising since I was still in training for the 3-Day walk. So while a couple of pounds crept back on I was able to maintain.
I have dealt with weight issues since I was a kid and have never really had a handle on it. There was a period of time my senior year of highschool and college that I was actually at my smallest point and it felt awesome...the only problem was the reason why I was at that point was I was dealing with major stress & anxiety and literally couldn't eat. Not the healthiest way to deal with this issue. There are so many times that I wish I could just wake-up and be healthy and thinner. It is a roller coaster ride and I want OFF!! I won't deny that I am scared, I have lived with this "padding" for many years and in some ways it is protection and getting rid of it means not only shedding the physical weight but the years of hurt that have come with it. It makes me feel like I will be more vulnerable because I won't have that to fall back on.
So back to choices...the series at church has made me think about the choices I make when it comes to eating and exercise. It has made me think about choices that I make about ME. For many years my focus was on someone else and his issues and I put myself on the back burner. All that did was make me more angry not only at myself for forgetting who I was but also at that person for seemingly having control over me that way. Obviously things in that department have changed and since the divorce I have had to find my OWN footing again as a single woman on my own in this world. It has not been easy but along the way I think I have made some good choices to help me start a good base of who I want to be....but there is one choice left to make...ME, my body, my health, and all the choices that surround those things.
So tomorrow 7/27/09, I will re-commit to myself this choice of being a better me in terms of eating habits and exercise. I will make a choice to turn it over to God everyday because I will need his help, there is no doubt of that.

Book Review #2

2009-06-01T16:30:00.000-06:00

As I said I am trying to get back into my reading groove....lately I am trying very hard to turn off the TV and pick up a book instead!!

This book I have been putting off reading or seeing the movie. Now first a sidebar on books that have been made into movies....I try very hard to read the book first because about 95% of the time the book is wayyyy better than the movie is. Anyway back to my review...when Fireproof was coming out on film there was a ton of talk about the book, the story, etc. At the time that it came out I was not ready to read it based on the fact that the premise of the book is a married couple fighting to hang on to their marriage through addiction, cheating, etc. Can you see why I have been putting this one off?? Well a few weeks ago my library got a copy in and I decided to check it out. I honestly didn't know if I was going to read it but at least it was there for me to try out. So one week night I was home alone, had nothing to do and it was a cool rainy night which is perfect for reading. I snuggled into the chair and proceeded to ready the book in about 3 hours, and I will be honest sobbing all the way through. Don't be scared to read it because you think you might cry, honestly I think it was because of my own circumstances and just some questions that it brought up in my mind. The book was written extremely well and had several awesome story lines that all intertwined together. I still haven't seen the movie and don't know if I will because I am happy with the book version so we'll see.

Single Chick Chronicles...can't help but wonder & anniversary

2009-05-31T22:19:00.003-06:00

I have some close friends going through some really tough relationship stuff very similar to what I went through. My heart breaks for them....a few of them I know just need to move on and then there are some where I wish they would dig in and work things out. Either way it definitely is not for me to decide or really even have an opinion on. Since they have been going through these things it has kind of brought up a lot of the old feelings that I was hoping were going away bit by bit. Yet again, I realize that I have a lot more to work through I guess. Although, some of the things that I have been remembering were not all that bad...maybe it's that time of year? June 1 would have marked a 12 year anniversary of being together for Dan & I. That is a huge chunk of time and even though towards the end it was incredibly rough there were a lot of happy times too. It's sometimes silly the things that pop into your head about people that you have had past relationships with...a cute name they called you, the way they teased you about how you ate something, etc.
When my relationship ended I dealt with (and honestly still do) huge amounts of rejection. I know it is natural feeling to have and I try to just let it go. Deep down though I can't help but wonder "am I missed"? Is the saying true that you don't know what you have until it's gone? I guess when I think those things in my mind I am trying to ease some of the rejection...like oh yeah you got rid of me but now look what you're missing. In some way I am hoping that it will ease the pain of the rejection if I knew the person missed me...but on the other hand where would that get me?
Someone who I hadn't talked to since the divorce (ironically hadn't talked to her since the wedding...thank you Facebook for hooking us back up) anyway she said "how are you doing with everything" I think people automatically assume that you are going to have a "standard" answer for that question, but me...I have to take it day by day because that is the stage I am still in. And I guess that's ok....maybe the more I accept that the quicker I can actually move on from it?
I feel like I need a point to this but not sure if it has happened yet...this is what happens when you blog at 11:44pm on a Sunday night when you should be sleeping but took a long nap.

Book Review...

2009-05-07T19:58:00.004-06:00

I have gotten back to reading again which I love...I go in spurts it seems and I wonder why I don't do it more often..anywhoooo I read about this one on of my blogs that I stalk, I mean read. So I hunted it down at the library (had to reserve it, that is how popular it is) well it was worth the wait. It was such a wonderful book with the most beautiful story.

Here's the book...

Then I found this sooo cool video that just sums up the book so well...but you should still read it!!

filling the soul

2009-05-05T21:59:00.004-06:00

so here's the thing....i struggle on a daily basis with who I am. Don't we all? Lately I feel like I am struggling a little bit more...but at the moment I don't see quite see it as a bad thing. I see it as a time to grow, to challenge myself to continue to be the person I want to be and ultimately how God sees me.

On the other hand, I have been searching for words and music and maybe even another person to comfort my soul...instead I have turned back to bad habits with food to fill my soul hunger. It came to a point tonight where I had skipped dinner and instead had a coffee and scone where I said to myself...what am I doing? I had such a horrible headache and just overall felt icky and after being pretty sure I had not contracted swine flu I realized that it was because I had added junk back into my body. I immediately felt ashamed of my actions of the past several weeks...I have worked so hard over the past 5 months to change habits and thoughts and it seems I have slipped right back into those negative ways. There are things in my life that I am not proud of and how I treat my body is at the top of the list. I also know that after years of therapy and countless books that it's not just about bad eating habits...it is about feeding my hungry soul. Some people do it with alcohol, drugs, shopping...I do it with food. We are all searching for something in our lives that will fill some kind of void we have within ourselves...or refill a part that has been torn down my someone or something.

Lately I think I have been living in the future too much...wishing and hoping that things would be different in many aspects of my life. You know what I'm saying...when I have that or when that happens type of thoughts...the problem with that is that you are living in the future and not dealing with what you have in the present. I need to remember that I need to accept who I am at this very moment...and that means everything..my job, my body, my soul, etc. That I am worthy of being just who I am and loving myself for that. It doesn't mean that I accept my negative habits, it just means I recognize them and continue to figure out how to deal with them right now in the present...not in the future when they might magically disappear...we all know that's not going to happen.

I have found an interesting blog lately...you can see it on my link list Ordinary Courage, anyway it is an author who has done an extensive amount of research and finally wrote a book on shame. I have read several excerpts and articles and it really has fascinated me. I am getting the book and can't wait to delve in and see if I can't figure it out. What I love the most is some of the "mantras" if you will that she has come up with...Just wanted to share them...

The Courage for Reinvention

2009-05-03T22:16:00.003-06:00

wow...been awhile..sorry about that! It was brought to my attention that maybe the reason that I am not blogging as much is because since being back home with family and friends that I don't need the outlet as much. Possibly true...it is easier to just pick up a phone or go and see them now. But I also remember a time in my earlier blogging where it was quite therapeutic and I was growing spiritually and stretching myself...I think I need to get back to that point. Remember last year my word for the year was reinvention?? Well I still think that is happening in a major way and this year with my word being courage I am thinking that what I am trying to do is reinvent myself by finding the courage to grow and stretch myself.

Today in church our sermon was about being renewed about growing in Christ. What was ironic..although not really when you know that God gives you these a-ha moments...is that the verse that the sermon was based on is a verse that I have been trying to really grasp the past month or so...

Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect. Romans 12:2

Lately I have been trapped in a negative mindset about my job and more specifically about some of the people there. It has been hard including many moments of anger, tears and frustrations...there is one person there in particular that pushes a button in me. That button would probably be related to my relationship with my father and how he treats me...but that is a topic for a whole other post! My point being is that there are people in our lives that push our buttons and we may choose to react however it be...anger, tears, shame, etc. These are natural reactions that we have grown up with in society and are considered normal...and they are..with one exception. When we become Christians we commit to a new way of thinking...God's way and we learn that these reactions are not the way He would have it. One of the things that was brought up in the sermon was that having a renewed mind is a process...which is a good thing because probably the hardest thing for me as a Christian is changing my mindset...so it seems to be taking me the longest! I have realized that these past several weeks it probably is not the person itself that is causing me the most pain it is the way I am reacting to it. And boy did it just take me a lot to type that last sentence. It's never fun when you have to admit something like that.

So now what? Well in the sermon we were given some action steps to follow to renew the mind..

Take...your next step
-know what it is that you want to change, or in my case admit what it is
Let...God do the hard work that needs to be done...for me this will probably be the hardest step because I don't like to give control over very easily. Well the only way that God can renew our mind is let him do the work and get out of the way.
Push..myself to try something new...I have been trying a lot of new things lately but in this case what I need to do is learn a new way to react

I will be talking a lot more about this because lately I feel this is what I need to explore and grow upon.

Single Chick Chronicles- Togetherness

2009-04-02T22:17:00.003-06:00

So as I journey further away from the relationship I had and into learning about the relationships I want, I realize so much of what I have missed. Let me try to make more sense of this...

When we are little girls all we can think of is meeting the man of your dreams, getting married, having a family, etc. It is ingrained in us at an early age that this is just how it works, now obviously times have changed somewhat since we see a lot more people that aren't married but in committed relationships and single moms...but still that fairy tale dream is very much present today.

For me I can't say I remember having that dream or walking around with a dishtowel on my head as a veil. Oh, I am sure deep down I had those dreams but when you come from a divorced family I think I kept them more to myself for fear that the dream could turn out the same as my own parents. So when marriage did come to a reality for me I was sure I had my dream and I never thought it would turn out as it has.

One thing that you do when you get divorced is look back and think why? What happened, what changed, was it my fault, etc. etc. So many questions go through your brain and most likely (as in my case) keep you up at night. Lately, since I have started to meet new people and think about new relationships I think about what was missing and what I don't want to give up again. Something hit me tonight while talking with someone about past relationships and what was wrong or right. What I realized is that I don't think I ever had a very large piece of the relationship puzzle: togetherness.

When the vows are said in a marriage ceremony they talk about "two becoming one" There is a lot of things in our lives that will affect...merging households, finances...figuring out little things about the other person you may have never known. Those things came easily after getting married, what didn't was being together. Together physically, mentally, emotionally...looking back it was a major personality difference and one that my eyes should have been more open to. Togetherness to me means wanting to spend time with each other even if that means grocery shopping or running errands, togetherness on values, on major decisions, etc. This doesn't mean spending every second together, we do still need some independence...but even when apart that person should still be a part of you.

Hopefully you don't take this as me whining about what was wrong because that is not the intention at all. I am just being more aware of what I want next time around and learning not to compromise just to have a relationship.

music monday

2009-03-30T19:47:00.001-06:00

this song is hitting me lately...wanted to share!

whispers from above

2009-03-26T20:11:00.005-06:00

have you ever had a stirring in you so deep that it takes a while for it to surface? a dream that you have never uttered outloud? or something that you have joked about in passing because you never thought that it might be a possibility?

have you ever had that feeling that everything you read, hear or see is pointing towards that dream? Sermons in church, new songs or maybe an inspiring blog post?

I have. Now What?

I have mentioned it before...writing. I have always been a natural writer. I was the one in school that actually liked to write papers, the one who has kept a journal for many years, the one who thinks getting a written card from someone is still so special and stores them away in a keepsake box. Words are so powerful...either strung together in a sentence or standing alone by themselves. Words remind us of where we have been and where we are going.

So where have I been? In the past several years I have leaned more and more on my writing, it in essence has been my therapy. I find lately that not only do I want to write these things for me, I want to write it for others. I have a lot to say, a lot to share and I want to start getting out even more just on my own blog.

Last year I had heard about a conference, She Speaks
that is hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries. It offers writing, speaking and leadership workshops and some wonderful speakers of fellow bloggers that I actually follow! Last year with everything going on it was not a possibility to go to the conference. This year again it seems out of reach but I had read that Lysa TerKeurst was giving away a scholarship for the conference and my heart skipped. It was as if God was giving me a chance to start turning some of my dreams and whispers into realities.

I started writing this post earlier in the week with the hopes that I would have it all together and done by Friday, the due date of having it posted so that Lysa & team could determine the winner. Unfortunately, life got in the way this week as it always seems to do and I didn't get the post up yesterday. I am angry about that; at myself, at life for always seeming to get in the way of my dreams. I realized something this morning, life got in the way because I let it, because I made choices that took time away from what I really wanted. Why do I do that to myself, why do we all do that? As children of God we are entitled to everything we can dream of and even though this opportunity seems small, to me it was a chance to start hearing those whispers in my soul and actually doing something to hear them out loud.

I decided to post this anyway, to remind myself of not letting everyday life getting in the way of dreams. I want to start making them a reality and not just whispers in my heart & soul.

courage

2009-03-20T19:15:00.003-06:00

this post has been floating around in my brain for most of the week and i am going to attempt to get it all out. Been an interesting couple of weeks with some ups and downs. a lot has been revealed to me in regards to people in my life or those that have been a part of my life.

I have always felt that most people think that I am a push over, like they could kind of walk all over me and I would just let them and the reality is they probably have. Maybe it's just certain people I think of when I say that, who knows. Here's what I know about myself: I am a pretty easy going person, don't really like drama and prefer when I can just laugh and smile at things. In the past couple of years especially, when it comes to relationships I have learned a lot about myself and what I do or don't do. A lot of what I have learned is that I have a huge fear of people leaving me, that stems back to some childhood stuff and my relationship with my Dad. So when I build a relationship whether it be friendship, marriage or whatever I hold tight to it and I don't want to let go...even if the relationship is negative. I think those people thought that I wouldn't leave or let go or draw a boundary line. That might have been true 3 or 4 years ago but things they have changed.
Remember when I said earlier that I was an easy going person? Well that is still true, I am not one of those people that thrive on drama, I do everything I can to try to avoid it. However, I have dug down deep and found something that may have been buried: courage. Courage to make positive changes for ME, courage to remove negativity from my life, courage to love myself enough to stand up for myself. So even though it has been hard and quite frankly still challenges me on a daily basis I had to do it and I don't have any regrets.
I remember very clearly a statement that a friend said to me one time "Sometimes God brings people into our lives for a certain reason or a certain season and then they are gone" At the time I thought she was crazy, most likely because I had not had that happen. Well my feelings have changed on that statement because it has happened and I fully trust that God knows what he is doing.

stop pretending

2009-03-20T18:50:00.003-06:00

as you know I follow a lot of different blogs...some people I know, most I don't. There are a few that I feel like I know now because of following their blogs for some time, some that make me want to be like them. This one that I follow, she is an artist, a mixed-media artist which is art that I am so drawn too right now...she posted this the other day and I felt like she was writing things that have been in my head....and I loved every word. In fact I printed off a copy so I could read it often...I want to stop pretending..

dreams, unspoken or not, are living, breathing, sometimes screaming (or quiet) whispers of our hearts. we've become so good at discrediting them: unpractical. too expensive. too complicated. but what i've learned is that our whole life's potential lies in the spaces between these whispers. if we pay attention to them, perhaps even take that first step and acknowledge them, then we breathe a bit easier knowing we've spoken a truth. out loud.

i talk a lot about listening to our whispers (our life, really) in chapter one of Taking Flight, but i keep going back to what jen's hope note says: taking them seriously. to me, this means a number of things. it means sharing my dreams/goals/wishes with my friends and family - giving them a starting point. it means writing them down. it also means waking up each morning sometimes pretending i'm already inside the life i've always envisioned. this may sound strange, but when we walk around in the world pretending to be confident and creative and strong, then a funny thing happens. we become confident and creative and strong. i've seen it happen in my own life over and over again.

another strange thing happens when we make tiny steps toward our dreams. perhaps while pretending to be fearless, we do crazy things like open an etsy shop. create a website. send out emails to editors about possible article ideas. paint big canvas'. perhaps we pretend we're not so shy and ask a local blogger out for lunch. or we submit our poems and essays to our favorite publications just to see what happens (even though we have no idea what we're doing). and then magic happens - somewhere along the line we find ourselves no longer pretending. instead, we are indeed fearless, taking step after step toward our dreams, living the lives we've always imagined, and taking ourselves (and our life's potential) 100% seriously.

art

2009-03-14T09:21:00.002-06:00

Lately I have been pondering a lot of things....One thing I have noticed is that in the past when I have been stressed or bored or angry is that I would usually eat. Well that's not on the agenda anymore so I have to come up with other things to fill that void and there is only so much working out I can do! So naturally I turn to the things that make me happy; spending time with friends, reading a great book, photography, etc. I am glad that the weather is getting better because I can move my photography outside more and those are the shots I love! I have also been toying with trying out a new art called mixed-media. I have no idea if I will be any good at it but I am really thinking about giving it a try, just need to get a few supplies.
Did you notice that I left out scrapbooking?? Lately it has been hard for me to scrapbook. Not entirely sure why because I do have fun things and people to scrap. Maybe it's because I have several years of scrapbooking hidden in my closet that now need to be thrown away, am I afraid of something similar happening with the pages I create now? Don't get me wrong I will always scrap at some level, I love it too much not too but right now I just feel the need to try some new art.

I found this great little video on another blog that I follow. It is really cool because basically it says why not try your hand at art of you want to?

the a-ha moment

2009-03-11T19:13:00.003-06:00

once in awhile there is a commercial on the tv that actually makes me think. unlike the ones that make me laugh, groan because they are so stupid or the ones that i have seen 3 times that hour. well in the past couple of weeks there has been a company (i seriously can't remember the name) that has been talking about the "a-ha" moment. Those moments in life that have made us realize that we need to change, or that we are in the exact spot we are meant to be. what it made me think about was my a-ha moment about needing to make this lifestyle change with my weight.

it all started with this picture...this was at my 30th birthday party last june. I really didn't focus in on this picture until several months later and when I saw it I was a mixture of words...shocked, angry, ashamed, and embarassed.

i know it sounds crazy but I think after a certain weight you almost don't see yourself in the mirror everyday or maybe it's you choose not to really "see". so when I saw this photo I really started to see that person and I decided that I was tired of being that person. it still took me a couple of months to really process that I needed to change and then to take the steps to do it. when i get frustrated with the journey and feel like i'm not going anywhere i look at these pictures and remember that i don't want to see this person again. so that was my a-ha moment...

here is a pic taken a few weeks ago when Kristen & I met her favorite soap star!! I am wearing some "skinny" jeans in a size I haven't been in for a long time.

Music Monday

2009-03-09T19:39:00.002-06:00

oh it's making a come back....you know you just belted out that song right??

so I decided that it was time to bring some fun back to the blog and what better way than some music?? I have realized lately that music has been driving me...I listen to it at work to drown out annoying coworkers, I listen to it while working out and trying to push myself a bit more, I listen to it when I am feeling blue....this one seems to be high on the workout list.

Any other work out songs for me??

state of my mind

2009-03-03T16:06:00.002-07:00

you know how they give the state of the union or state of the state addresses where they bring you up to speed on how things are going. How bad the finances are and how we need to send more troops to war. Well I think this is my state of the mind address and I mean how my mind is doing, my emotions, my heart.
I think it's because I have not been keeping up on my blogging that my mind feels like it is in a constant state of motion...like a whirlpool. It sounds funny to say that lots of things have been going on because on an average day I come home, probably workout and then watch tv and surf the internet...exciting huh? A lot of the time though I feel that is the problem....nothing going on to stimulate my brain. Work has been so emotionally taxing lately that when I leave that place I feel deflated and that feeling has overflowed into several other areas of my life.
I feel like all I do lately is whine...and I hate that. I don't want to be that person that everytime you talk to them there is a new drama going on or even better the same drama just told again. I really get frustrated with myself when I feel that I am being that person. Maybe it's just the winter blues....because yes it is March and I am still dealing with winter. Welcome to Chicago!
I have found myself lately being more introspective than I have ever been yet unable to string any of those feelings together. And let's not even get into the memories that have surfaced over the past several weeks...memories are interesting. most of the time memories are good and you cherish them, sometimes even having photographs or journals about them, bad memories however have a funny way of sneaking up on you even when you try to stuff them away into the dark corners of your mind. I have had some dreams lately that have brought out these memories even more vivid then when they happened. This does not make my mind happy and plays havoc with the emotions. Snippets of conversations that flutter through my brain, images in my head that I try so hard to get rid of...they all have been very present lately. It has been my experience that usually the reason why these things come forward is so that you can deal with them...but here's the thing- I am just tired of dealing with them....tired of thinking about it, tired of wondering. I am so sad and completely angry all at once but yet the tears are not as easy to fall and I have no one to yell at..except maybe the dog.
Wow this is so major whining going down here....i'm just praying that if I get some of it out it will subside...although that probably isn't going to happen but one could hope.

catching up

2009-03-02T15:31:00.003-07:00

so I am pretty sure I should be doing about 16 other things, but here I am blogging. I will say that one of the things on my list is blogging but pretty sure it should be closer to the bottom...so sue me I don't always do things in order!!
This is needing an update huh? Sorry I haven't been around much...lots of stuff going on and my brain just kind of overwhelmed with it!! So in true Tracy fashion I present the update in list form.....

-Healthy Train....I have been stuck the last two weeks...no gain, no loss. Which I'm not saying isn't good but it is still frustrating!!! I have been working my bootie off!! It has been hard the last two weeks, stress and high emotions just don't mix well! Food & I are not getting along because I am very limited in what I can eat, my nutrition guru says I'm not eating enough!! Good gravy too much...too little, why can't I just find a good mix? I still keep chugging along and we'll see what happens this week. If I still stay level than we are going to really change up the food part of it and see what happens. The body and metabolism is really a very complex thing!

-Last year I had thought about doing the Breast Cancer 3-Day Walk but with moving and a lot of other unknowns it didn't quite happen. When I started this healthy life change I decided that I needed a challenge to work towards in the exercise area. I wasn't too sure about a marathon or anything like that, even though I would at some point like to be running, so I decided to look into the Breast Cancer walk again. Now, I don't really have anyone close to me that has been affected by this although I know a couple of people. For those of you who may not know about this walk it is a total of 60 miles over 3 days. Yes it is intense!!! So last week was my first meeting where I officially registered!! The walk is in August and I;m excited but now I really need to get my training in line and fundraising...don't worry I will have more info on donations ;)
Here's what I figured, I had chosen the word courage for this year...this walk is no better way to show courage. To be able to finish this goal....and the people that have this disease have to have so much courage everyday in their battle. What better motivation?

-Thank you for all the kind words about work...it has not been pretty the last couple of weeks and I'm not sure there is an end in sight anytime soon. The economy is really starting to hit our business and we have had some layoffs that have been really rough to deal with. I am just trying to put it in God's hands every day and get through it the best I can.

-I was really curious about what I was writing about a year ago so I went back to the bloggy archives and here is what I came up with. Interesting to look back on what you write and how sometimes it is things that are still running through your mind.

I've got more and I will probably post more later but I think those 15 other things I should be doing are needing to be done!!

this is me...

2009-02-16T20:12:00.003-07:00

very rough day today....no matter how much I think I have learned about people God made it clear to me today that I am still learning. It was not a fun lesson. I am feeling the blogging vibe coming on more and more, I feel like I have lots to say, not sure how much will actually get out on the screen but we'll see.

this is me right now, these are the thoughts in my head...

-today I learned that you can't always trust the people that you thought were friends, that people can change their tune with a blink of an eye. I learned that you can't please everyone and no matter how much you try to explain, people will always have their own thoughts of what happened.

-today made me feel deflated....I cried...a couple of times....something I have managed not to do in a month or so

-I came home and put myself in comfy clothes and took solace with a blanket & my dog and yet I still feel a little empty. No matter how many friends or family that you have, there is nothing quite like a strong pair of man arms to melt your cares away.

-I dread going to work tomorrow and having a repeat of today, I don't know if my heart can take it right now

-I wish that I could be doing my dream job right now...I don't even totally know what that is right now but I wish I could just wiggle my nose and be doing it. On the other hand I am thankful to even have a job right now....this thought somehow does not make the ickyness go away.

-I am really feeling this song lately...

update

2009-02-03T20:12:00.002-07:00

Yes I am still here...several people have mentioned my lack of blogging lately. Honestly, I don't have a good answer to where I have been. It's not that I don't have things to say, oh there is lots to say. Seems like lately it's just a jumble of thoughts. Maybe it's the lack of food and too much exercise??

So how is my food & exercise going?? Very well....I hit a major milestone 2 weeks ago and hit 25 pounds, I have also lost a total of 6", mostly in my hips & waist. So I am very proud of those numbers....but....oh yes there is a but. I realized last week that this is more than the dropping of actual pounds, it is the dropping of the emotional baggage that has gone along with it. The last couple of weeks have been hard emotionally. I have been doing so well and actually seeing progress it has actually gotten harder for me mentally. In the past when I have dieted I usually get to a certain point (usually around 25 pounds) and give up. I usually try to rationalize it by whatever is going on...money, time, etc. I don't have those excuses right now, I am coming up with the money to work this program and creating the time to exercise and cooking healthier. So the point is, that little fat girl voice is coming on strong lately, telling me I can't do this, that I am not strong enough, that I am not worth it.

As women we hear the term "comfortable in your own skin", oh how I long to be comfortable in my own skin. Right now I am not, I have had this body, this overweight body for as long as I can remember. I am used to having it to protect me, even though most times it hurt me. So the feelings are so very mixed and as I continue on the journey the more I travel into the unknown.

All I can do is what I have done before in unknown times like these, put the trust in God that He will lead me down the right path and that He will help me to find the courage to talk louder than that mean voice.

Healthy Train Update- Week 9

2009-01-10T21:49:00.002-07:00

here's an update on how I am doing on my lifestyle changes. I was really proud of myself this past week because I started really going to the gym. I had a plan to follow from my awesome nutrition coach and I was determined to just do it (no Nike pun intended) So off I went 4 days last week, this was a big step for me!!!

foodwise I have been doing well, Michael has me on a little bit different of a plan which was a little harder this week. It really seemed to work though because at my check-in on Friday I had lost...6 pounds!!!! WOOHOOOOO!!! It felt really good but what felt even better is that I had reached my first goal of a total loss of 20 pounds!!!

In our talk this week I shared that I still wasn't sure that I believed in myself. This is usually the point of my "diets" that I start falling off the bandwagon. I have to continue to remind myself that first of all this isn't a diet, it is a total life change, and secondly I have the strength to change.

Michael suggested that I come up with a mantra that I can use just to keep me on track, the exact words were a "cheesy" mantra although he was joking!! So I decided that I would work-in my word for this year, courage. I feel that my mantra should be "the courage to change"

I think when you are thinking about making big changes in your life there is always a fear of the change. In this case with continuing on this healthy lifestyle and eventually losing major amounts of weight, I feel some fear. It's hard to explain, but this lifestyle is what I know, this body with all its extra padding is what I have known for practically 30 years. So to change it, even though it is positive, brings up the anxiety. It also brings up fear that I will fail and that doesn't settle well with me. So in comes the mantra of the courage to change, the courage to learn a new lifestyle and embrace the changes in my body.

so in the coming weeks I will continue to make the right choices, get my butt to the gym and show my courage to the world!! The next mini goal I have is to lose 8 pounds by Valentines Day...I plan to totally rock that goal!!

Hello 2009!

2009-01-03T23:24:00.003-07:00

oh the year of 2008 brought about many interesting things...finality in a lot of ways and a beginning to a new chapter. so I am thinking that 2009 is the year that will be mine!

for the past couple of years I have followed a blog of a scrapbooking artist the I love. every year she chooses a single word that she feels will be be an inspiration for the year, a mantra of sorts but in a single word. last year my word was reinvention for obvious reasons, I think that word explained my year completely. it has taken me several days to choose my 2009 word. Sometimes I still feel like I am in transition in my life, that possibly I am waiting for the other shoe to drop? Honestly not sure what that other shoe is because I think I had several pairs drop on me in the past couple of years.
so back to my word...it took me several days and I had a list of about eight words. if truth be told they all meant something very similar. I feel like this year I want to take more chances in my life, no crazy ones but I just want to step outside of my box. I want to start living some of the dreams that are locked up in my head. So in order to do that I will need....

cour·age : noun
the attitude of facing and dealing with anything recognized as dangerous, difficult, or painful, instead of withdrawing from it; quality of being fearless or brave; valor

courage...such a strong word and that is what I want to be this year. being fearless or brave..that is what i'm talking about. there are so many things that I want to "tackle" this year, some will be easier than others. some will require a lot of hard work and a lot of being brave!!

I don't like to make New Year's resolutions, somehow I think that word resolution has been tainted somehow by society and sets people up for failure. so I like to set goals! this year I have a lot of goals, some that I have already gotten a headstart on which is good and some that I need to get off my duff and get started on. here are some of them....

courage to:

-continue to make the right choices with my healthy lifestyle, eating & exercise

-make better choices financially and make the choice to get out and stay out of debt

-embrace my new single life, not always knowing where it may lead

-delve deeper into my faith, I want so much to be able to put that 100% trust in God and I still struggle with that on certain issues. Walk closer to Him and learn more about his word.

-make my dreams come true by doing things that will expand my knowledge & experience when it comes to photography and writing.

I hope that everyone has a fantastic year...I leave this post with a verse that has really been on my mind lately.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

Christmas wrap-up

2008-12-28T10:32:00.002-07:00

I hope everyone had a peaceful and blessed Christmas....Mine was good, different but good. The one thing about things being so different is that I have the ability to create new traditions. The weather has been crazy here and we had no worries about a white Christmas. Now today it is warmer, all the snow is melting and I am thinking about taking the dog for a much needed walk. So in true Tracy fashion here is a list to wrap-up this Christmas season...

-Santa was very good to me this year. I of course got my Wii but also some gift cards so that I can get more games and accessories. I am still trying to decide what to get! I got a lot of little things too which I love, all that sum up who I am and were given to me by people that know me very well!! Photography books, the laptop lap desk/pad that I wanted, a very cool t-shirt, calendar, fuzzy socks & scarf...I was very blessed!! Thank you to everyone for gifts and warm wishes!!

-On Christmas Eve Mom & I went over to Kristen's and had an awesome dinner (you are such a good cook friend) and had presents with them. It was really cool to see Jax open presents as he is starting to get to that age of actually getting it. There were lots of toys to be had and we spent the night prying them out of boxes and then playing. It was a great night and a start of a tradition that I really wish to continue.

-Christmas Day brought about more sickies to the house as Mom battled a stomach bug and I was still fighting my throat and cold. So it was a very quiet day filled with naps, playing Wii (that was me) and watching several hours of a Christmas Story. Even though not a lot was happening it was nice to just enjoy the day and really be with each other.

So the start of another week is upon me, I have to work Monday, Tuesday & probably only part of Wednesday. I have no idea what I am doing New Year's and Mom (who has more of a social life than me) has plans with friends. Lots to work on this week, I need to get solidly back on my eating plan, I slipped a little during these last couple of days, although overall did really well.I am actually excited to see what happens with my weight, we had a "mini-goal" for the first of the year and I am anxious to see if I have made it.

And remember my word for 2007? Well a new one will be coming on New Year's day, honestly I haven't picked it yet but I have been mulling it over and deciding which will describe what I want to achieve this year.

lost: christmas spirit

2008-12-21T13:20:00.003-07:00

I have a little secret...I think I've lost my Christmas spirit somewhere. Guess it's not much of a secret anymore. For those of you that know me closely you know that I have always reallllly enjoyed the Christmas season. I rushed to decorate, listened to the 24-hour Christmas station almost everyday and everything else in between.
Is it because I am getting older? Or is it because in a span of two holiday seasons my life has changed like night & day. I think I choose door number two. This year I have more time to realize what has changed, some traditions I lost, unpacking less than half of the decorations I used to have but yet remembering every one of them. Last year at this time things were not final yet with the divorce and I coped by throwing myself into working at Starbucks. I worked solid that week of Christmas, even working like a crazy girl on Christmas Day and breathing a huge sigh of relief on the 26th when it was over.
Fast forward to this year...back home with family and friends is a very good thing don't get me wrong. I have loved getting to do some of the things that were traditions before I moved. It's just still very different and part of me can't even really explain why. Maybe part of it is that I choose not to bury my feelings in food with the new change I am making in that part of my life?? Maybe it is because I don't have anyone "special" to spend it with or shop for. Being a Christian I know that there is only one reason for this season and I am trying to focus on that as much as possible....but there are a lot of other things that make the season magical.
So as we head into this last week of Christmas, I am trying...trying to recapture some of the spirit...making some new traditions...figuring out what it means to be single for the holidays.

But don't even get me started on New Years....yuck!

I wanted to share one of my favorite Christmas tunes...this is actually a "recent" remix and I think it is really cool!!

is this thing on??

2008-12-20T12:33:00.001-07:00

oh what's a girl to do when she has been couped up in the house for 4 days because if a case of wicked strep throat?? surf the internet & blog of course!! Although I think sometimes no one is reading anymore because I don't get comments :( sad
oh well, I will write anyway....and beware this could be quite random since I am hopped up on antibiotics and Motrin.

are you ready for Christmas? I have a few very little things to still get, but overall I am DONE. Although, I still have to wrap which I have been working on since there is not much else I have been doing. My goal is to have everything wrapped today!

I haven't done a healthy train update in a week or so...unfornuately this week I was unable to go to my nutrition coach since I was sick. Bummer because I probably did pretty well since my appetite has been nothing because my throat has been hurting so much....I know not the way to lose but hey it all counts in end!! Still working on getting the exercise into the schedule which has been more challenging than I care to admit. It is getting more and more challenging these last few days with all the holiday foods and sweets that have been surrounding me....the words from my coach just keep resounding in my head "it's a holiDAY not a holiSEASON"

another addiction of mine lately has been Facebook....do you all know about this?? I guess I would say it is like MySpace but for the more adult crowd. I have loved finding some people from high school on there and saying Hi, and it's a great way to stay in touch even more than a blog. Maybe that's why I have been slacking on my blog duties lately?? You should totally check it out!!

that's all I can think of for now with my muddled brain...later

Healthy Train- Week 4

2008-12-09T16:21:00.003-07:00

I thought I would give an update of my new lifestyle with food. It has been officially one month and I have lost 12 pounds!! I am extremely happy with that...not only have I lost the actual weight; some of my clothes are fitting better, I have more energy, and I haven't had any kind of pop for that whole month!! There have definitely been days that have been rough but I just try to change my focus and move on.

This week my challenge was to start working exercise into the plan. Now, I don't mind exercise...but now that it is winter the urge to just go home and curl up on the couch is greater than being out in the cold. Mom & I joined a small gym that is only 5 minutes from the house and yesterday was the first day that I actually went (we have had our membership for 2 months) It went really well and I am going to keep working that in. I also finally found a Wii fit that should be here tomorrow, I am really excited because you can track results, have your workouts...even Yoga! I am hoping that this will be a good supplement to the gym.

So overall for one month it is going well...I am a little bored by my choices of food but I just try to keep remembering that food is not really supposed to be exciting it is just supposed to nourish!

snow dog....

2008-12-08T19:54:00.002-07:00

This past weekend we got somewhat significant of a snow fall so I decided that it was time for some pics with Roscoe. He has been pretty good in the snow, a little unsure at first but he seems to be adjusting just fine. He especially loves when I go out and run around crazy with him. I wanted to get my Christmas card pic so I set-up my tripod and enlisted Mom to help. We got some good shots...here are a few, but you'll have to wait for your card for the winner!!

Single Chick Chronicles- No Compromises

2008-12-02T11:40:00.003-07:00

It's interesting when you start talking to or seeing new people you really have to make some decisions about what you are going to stand your ground on. What I mean by this, without going into tons of details, is maybe when to hug, kiss, etc. You decide how much of that person you want into your life and how quickly.

I think after being in my past relationship for 10 years and really feeling that I compromised A LOT I am choosing to be very "picky" in this regard. I refuse to give up my morals just because it might make someone like me more, what kind of relationship is that anyway?? I think what makes me sad is that it seems that people are so rushed to get things moving...what happened with meeting, getting to know each other and seeing how things go?? It is just so frustrating...

And could God please just bring me a good Christian man who wants to walk in faith with me and live our life together to honor him.

I really love this song and just felt it was fitting for how I was feeling today...

so sad

2008-11-30T19:36:00.003-07:00

so this is kind of a stupid thing but hey this is a hodge podge of thoughts you know....well you all know that I am pretty much a shoe & purse addict although it is getting much better (sort of) anyway, several years ago I found a Coach purse that I fell in love with..it was the perfect size, color, had lots of pockets...and I got a deal on it at the outlet store. Well that purse has seen a lot of action, it is always my fall back purse. Well tonight I decided that I was going to change back to it for awhile but when I pulled it out it had some stains on it. So I got out the leather cleaner & conditioner and went to work...well that did no good, in fact it almost seems like it made them worse. As I look closer at the stains and some other pieces of residue on the purse I am pretty sure the culprit is Starbucks!! I am pretty sure there is caramel sauce and milk on it...now don't ask me how this happened but sometimes things just fly around while working there....I am so sad because I love this purse and now it has these ugly spots on it!! Grrrr.....so of course I had to check out Coach's new offerings....not that I can get one but it's nice to dream right?

new song...

2008-11-30T18:08:00.002-07:00

another song that we sang at church this morning and I really liked the message...no matter what God is stronger than anything we are put up against.

turn the volume up!!

catching up

2008-11-30T17:43:00.002-07:00

I know I have started many posts like this but seriously folks where does the time go? Thanksgiving is done already and Christmas is just around the bend, how did that happen?!?! I know I have been a blog slacker lately...it's just that I have been very in my own thoughts lately and haven't really know how to get them out. So here is my attempt and letting you know what's going on in the world of Tracy....

-Nutrition plan is going really well...I was totally stoked this week when I went on Friday and managed to lose another 4 pounds! Yes people, after a Holiday! I was very proud of myself because I was very restrained and didn't over do it although I still allowed myself some small treats. I am feeling clothes fit better and people are even making comments! I am just trying to keep up the momentum and not slip back into old habits...usually when I start a new plan I do well for the first month or so and then fall of...well that is NOT going to happen this time! No new food restrictions this week...just continuing on no Coffee, Pop, flour products of any kind, creamy sauces/soups and restricted sugar. So in case you haven't been following along that is a total of 12 pounds in 3 weeks and in a very healthy way!

-I am so bad when it comes to Christmas gifts..I told Mom that I really wanted a Wii for Christmas, if you don't know what this is I am totally disappointed and you must check it out!! I just thought it was something different and cool and that could be played with other people. So when we went to Costco the other day and they had then she grabbed one for me. At first she told me I had to wait but I worked on her and finally just set it up one day. She has enjoyed watching me trying to master tennis. I also want to get the Wii Fit which is actually a workout tool that can be used with it...the only problem is that they are in crazy high demand and I can't find one anywhere unless I want to pay double the price...don't think that's going to happen.

-Took some pictures in the past week and I will get them all posted on my photography blog so be sure to check it out! I have really really enjoyed taking these pics, it amazes me how much I come alive when I am shooting. Now if God could just put a decent paying job in my lap that uses this gift I would be a happy camper...but deep down I know he will when the timing is right.

-Mom & I put up our tree today and in true Midwest fashion it was snowing while we did it. It was actually pretty cool to be decorating, carols in the background and snow flying outside the window. Mom & I haven't decorated together in many years so it was good to be having that tradition back.

I think that is all I can think of for now....check back soon though because I feel some bloggy Christmas fun coming up!!!

realizations

2008-11-22T19:56:00.002-07:00

this past week was interesting and I can't even really explain why...but I will attempt to put it into words. I of course continued on my change with what & how I eat. It actually wasn't that bad this week, the hunger pangs were a little less and even though I really wanted to have some "bad" stuff I decided that I was better off not too. I think there are times in your life when you realize things, when they "click" This week seemed to be mine with food...I finally got what I had heard and read about food only being needed to nourish our physical bodies, not our emotions and everything wrapped up in them.
There's one thing that I have to say is positive about being single (listen up this may be the only one!) and that is I have time for just ME. And before you think I am getting all selfish on you let me explain...I have the time now to take care of me and my feelings and the issues I want to work on. When you are in a relationship and especially like one that I was in, you are wrapped up in the others persons junk. Yes, part of that you bring onto yourself but sometimes that junk is put on you without your knowledge or permission.
So being single brings on this new found freedom that doesn't just mean doing things you want when you want, or watching as many chick flicks as possible, it means allowing part of yourself to re-grow and learn more about yourself. Part of that learning lately is that I have hid behind the weight, it has been my wall of protection. In my life there have been people that have managed to make me doubt myself, my abilities and the choices I have made. This week for some reason the clarity was there, and I decided that I needed to bring down the wall...for me.
Yesterday was my check-in with my coach and I knew that it was going to be a good one. Luckily, he let me see my weight and I lost 4 MORE pounds!!! I was really happy because not only had the hard work payed off but I felt really good about it...I was excited about continuing the journey! On my way home I blasted this song...I do it sometimes when I want to hear that yes I am a fighter and that I will survive...to those in my life that made me feel not good enough and for the weight that I have hid behind....this song is for you!

what's up!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-19T19:23:00.002-07:00

I seriously don't know where the days go but I can't believe that next week is Thanksgiving. And it feels like sometimes there are no weekends because I have so much to do but I guess that's life huh?

So the most major thing happening right now is that I have started working with a Nutrition coach...he has a fancier title but I call him this because we are working on my diet and he is kind of like a life coach too. He's also spiritual and brings that into the way we should look at food and such. This week is my second week and so far it is going pretty good. We meet once a week and I get weighed, although he told me I won't get to look everytime!, and then we talk about how my week went food-wise and new things I need to work on. So far I have lost 4 pounds and I was still working out some kinks so I was really happy with that result.

I realized that I need to just do something and what I had been doing wasn't working. I needed someone that would hold me accountable and on track. The first week his challenge to me was hard and I wasn't sure I could do it...I wasn't (and still am not) allowed Coffee (hello kill me now), Pop, or basically anything with white flour in it. Those are three major things in my life and they went away in one week...yikes! Once I got through the couple of days it has been getting easier to not want them...believe me I still have cravings.

This has all been happening in the last couple of months...I feel the need to just change some big things in my life. You know because I haven't had enough change this year! Remember way back in January when I picked a word that was going to define me and this year I picked Reinvention. I still am working on that word and lately I have been working on reinventing my soul and things that have been challenging me for many years...the biggest one being my weight and the way I deal with food.

So that's a little about what is going on here....I will probably share some more of my journey along the way....

check it out

2008-11-10T19:03:00.001-07:00

Check out my new little project I have been working on.....

http://tracyjaynephoto.blogspot.com/

girls day!!!

2008-11-09T16:59:00.001-07:00

so what can two girls accomplish when they set-out to have an awesome day of girly fun???

-New hair do's
-Starbuck's
-Mini Spa Day including a massage, manicure & pedicures
-Appetizers & martinis
-Nose piercing (kristen) tattoo (tracy)
-Shopping
-More snacks and some desert

That's a lot to accomplish!! We had a blast!! Love ya girl!

so did I??

2008-11-09T16:39:00.004-07:00

I have thought about getting a tattoo for many years and in the last year it became more of a solid thought in my mind. Maybe it the turning the big "30" earlier in the year that made me feel like I wanted to recapture some youth?? It's funny when you talk to people the different reactions they have have about them...some people are totally against it, some think its cool but have never gotten one and so on. The question that was posed to me was "Why do you want to get one?" and also "What would it be"

So I thought hard about both of those questions. The answer to the first one was a little more complicated but I equate it to something like a badge of honor. I figured I had been through so much crap in the last couple of years that I wanted something to show for it. I also knew that what I put on was very important. It is after all something I have to live with for the rest of my life. The only thing that got me through the last couple of years was my faith in Christ, and I knew that is something that would always be a part of my life. So a symbol of that was a definite answer to the "what"

Now that I have you totally on the edge of your seat and you are asking the question "so did I do it??" Really the only thing that was a fear for me was pain...most of you know I don't have a high tolerance for pain and I knew it was going to hurt. So I really had to dig deep and work that out...I had someone great to support me and hold my hand (or both) and talked me through the 40 minutes of pain. With that being said here is my badge of honor....

I am still in a little shock that I actually did it, but also pretty much think that I am the coolest!! Also, if you're curious this is on my lower back...I'm not crazy enough to have it where everyone can see!!!

fall...elections..pictures..and tattoos??

2008-11-05T20:21:00.004-07:00

hello!! wanted to catch-up a bit on stuff....

-I obviously did not post anything about the election last night. Honestly, I think political views can be pretty private and some people get very upset about it. I will also tell you I didn't vote...now before you email me and yell I just didn't get my stuff changed over in time. Not a good excuse I know but I'm sticking with it. Regardless of what everyone feels about the outcome I think we need to remember one thing, this man was elected as our leader and we should pray for him and everyone that helps to lead our country. And let's face it people, it was history in the making and I think it is pretty cool that I was here for first hand experience.

-It has been interesting here the last couple of weeks...mostly because of the weather! It is totally fall around here and I am enjoying every minute of it. I have been wearing layers again, raking leaves and for the first time in 3 years I observed daylight savings time. I can't believe it is November already, I seriously don't know where the time goes.

-I had my first photo "shoot" last weekend with a fabulous family from church. I had so much fun and so did they which made it even cooler. I have been working on my "photography blog" where I will be posting all my pictures...but I couldn't resist giving you a sneak peak. I have another shoot this weekend with a mother/daughter which of course totally is something after my heart. Having these practice shoots just affirms more and more that I am doing something I love, which makes my heart feel good!

-Someone very close to me that shall remain nameless (kristen) is having a big 3-0 birthday on the 15th. Well this weekend we are having a total girly day...can't release details yet and it is a total surprise what we are doing!! Yes people, I have managed to keep some things a surprise! I'm sure I will have some fun pics to share. Also, I have a poll up to the right that I am really curious about...something I am thinking about, have been for several years and this weekend might just be the time!

Well that's all I can think of for now...hope everyone is having a fabulous week!!

new song

2008-10-28T22:37:00.002-06:00

I heard this song the other day and I was floored. It was one of those that hits you just at that perfect moment and you swear the artist is reading your mind.

searching

2008-10-28T21:40:00.003-06:00

i have struggled the last couple of months...for several reasons but for the most part I am struggling to really learn and find out about who I am. I think when you go through some of the major changes that I have you question just who you are, what you believe, etc. Now that I am getting settled into somewhat of a routine I have time to think...too much probably. Thinking has always gotten my mind in trouble!!

When you are part of a relationship for 10 years you tend to lose some of your own identity. No matter how much you try sometimes you change things to please the other person, sometimes you even do this without realizing it. So now that I am on my own I almost feel a little empty at times....like a piece of me is missing. What I have realized though is that it's not missing it just hasn't seen the light of day in awhile, whatever "it" is...and that my friends is still what I am struggling to find out.

I have found in my "soul-searching" that I have very little self-confidence right now. I hang on to things that I am very confident about and sometimes I get too egotistical about my knowledge...and that doesn't make me feel good about how I act. Divorces, or any end of relationships can do wonders for your self-confidence (kidding!). You wonder about all the how and why questions that no one can really answer and you just make yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

It is in these times that I am leaning on my faith again....not that I ever stop, but sometimes I think it becomes more of a focus when you are searching. Not the best way to work your relationship with Christ, but hey I'm not perfect. Anyway, I am doing some Bible studies and going to church weekly now. The one study that I am doing involves some deep soul searching which is probably why I am doing a lot of questioning right now. What I have learned from this study right now is that I haven't really turned some of my issues over to God. I talk a pretty big talk but when it comes right down to letting go of the control and letting Him take over, I am afraid. One of the questions this week was what was our own definition of willpower. I didn't really have an answer because if I knew I don't think I would be battling some of my issues so hard. The definition that they said was that 'willpower is the willingness to accept God's power' Hello reality thanks for slapping me in the face! I say that in a good way because when I read that I got the goosebumps...you know the ones that you get when you read or hear something that is sooo true.

I have absolutely no idea where this post is going...I realized that I was getting away from blogging because I was getting tired of putting up the superficial stuff. Not that I don't like sharing that too, but I realized that I wanted to get back to what I used to blog about when I first started. My heart, my true feelings with some fun added in. I enjoy writing about my own spiritual walk and stumbles upon the way....I hope in some way it might inspire somebody else to learn and do the same.

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground"
Psalm 143: 9-10

in love...

2008-10-24T15:31:00.003-06:00

oh how I wish I could report it was in love with some"one" but no such luck right now....I am in loooove with my camera. I have only had a few days and have only tried it out a couple of times, but people I'm so excited to continue learning this craft and I think this was just the right thing I needed. I am trying out the different lenses I got and I can't believe how clear they are...these shots are what they call SOC, straight out of camera.

And of course I had to take pics of my own kid Roscoe because I didn't have any other subjects on hand. I have some activities this weekend so I am sure there will be lots more pic taking!! Happy Friday!

fall is here....

2008-10-19T21:02:00.002-06:00

been busy the last couple of weekends doing some typical fall activities...pumpkin farms & raking leaves. It really has been pretty cool because fall is my favorite season and I did miss it very much while I was in Arizona. Although, I am getting used to some temperature changes and trying to build-up my warmer clothing. This coming week is not even going to make it out of the 50's!!!

Here is some pics of the fall stuff happening here...

Jax figuring out which pumpkin to get

Ivy scraping out the yummy pumpkin guts!

This pumpkin was huge!!

Single Chick Chronicles....this stinks

2008-10-19T20:52:00.002-06:00

all righty then, it has been a while since I have posted anything about my life as a single chick...there really is a good reason: nothing has been happening!!!

There is a large part of me that is really ready for dating, for meeting someone new and experiencing that initial excitement. I don't expect something serious to happen anytime soon, nor do I really want that. I just want the companionship and the opportunity to go out and learn about someone new.

Then there is another part of me that is freaked out! First of all, I am leery of finding someone that will fit my criteria. And yes I am going to a little pickier with certain things this time...I think that's natural right? Second, I am still trying to gain my confidence back. Divorce & cheating does a number on a girls self-confidence and so I am trying to get my head back in the right place.

A couple of weeks ago I had been chatting with someone on the the phone & texting, he seemed like a nice guy and was easy to talk to. Well come to find out he was married...totally makes me ill....makes me want to run for the hills when it comes to this dating thing.

I am on a couple of the online dating sites...not sure that is exactly the way to go but why not try it out? Anyway, nothing has really happened but it sure has been fun to read all the different profiles. If there were a couple of warnings I would give guys of things not to write or say in their profiles it would go something like this:
-please use spell check
-probably shouldn't say "have baby's, need a lady"
-listing sex as one of your most important things on a Christian dating site, probably not wise
-if you say you only drink once in a while and all your pictures show you at a bar with drink in hand I think you better change your answer

Honestly, I know this is not in my control...God is going to put someone in my life when he thinks it is right. It can just be a little frustrating when it is something that you have been used to for the last 10 years of your life.

investing in my dreams

2008-10-14T10:22:00.003-06:00

a few days ago I found out some good financial news that would help me pay off some old bills that I really want to get rid of. I was really struggling though because I wanted to take some of the money and buy a more "professional" camera so that I can really try to get this photography thing off the ground. I felt guilty though thinking that I was buying something that I really didn't need....but after thinking about it and asking Mom about it I decided that it was time to invest in myself and this dream I have. I am pretty sure of myself and my abilities and I think in time I will be able to make something of myself in the photography world but I wanted to really have the right tools. So I have done a lot of research the last couple of weeks, read reviews and decided on this one.... I was actually able to find a really sweet deal on ebay and I am really excited that I will be getting it really soon!!

On another cool note, I decided to send out an e-mail to some of the families that I know in church that I would be willing to take pictures of them, kids, etc. to get practice and build my portfolio. To my surprise they all responded with a resounding yes and wanting to "book me" soon! That is really cool and I am so looking forward to it.

I'm proud of myself for taking this step in investing in myself and my dreams. It's something that I haven't done for myself in a very long time...it's a little scarry but also very exciting.

the sweet spot

2008-10-12T19:48:00.002-06:00

a few weeks ago at church Pastor Dan talked about finding your sweet spot in serving. He obviously was specifically talking about serving within the church and our community. Although there were also points about living a life worthy of the calling you have received. Wow! Intense words. It literally has taken me since that sermon to really digest and think about what that meant to me. He asked a question at the end of the sermon that I also took until now to really answer:

"God made me______________. And when I _________________, I feel His pleasure."

In a year where I have had many changes happen in my life, I still continue to think of things that I want to see different. Most of all my life's work...being a Christian we are taught that what we do (as a job) should honor God and the talents that he gave us. Right now I don't feel like I am doing that and I want to figure out how to change it. Before I moved to Arizona I was working for the same company I am now and I felt stuck, I was scared to make a change, didn't think I was worthy, etc. I know now I can make changes and do things that I never thought I could do. So even though I am back at the same company I feel ok about making a move at some point. I finally feel like I can say what I want to do when I "grow-up"

"God made me creative. And when I take pictures, I feel His pleasure."

I have thought a lot in the last few months about where I wanted my life to go professionally, knowing that the job I moved back for was not it. I thought back to my middle school, high school years and I remember always having a camera. I loved taking pictures....for me it is about capturing the moment, the memory, the person....still is. As I got older and started having more events and such to capture the bug really started getting in me. Then I took it a step further with creating scrapbooks to further enhance those images. I literally can spend hours looking at pictures, mine or others.

The last couple of months especially the bug has become more of a gigantic creature inside of me. The urge and want to do it for a living is bubbling up inside of me and it is hard to contain it. I have been engulfing myself in books, photography websites, seeing what classes are available, and trying to take as many pictures as possible. When I am taking pictures I feel like my spirit is alive, I feel alive.

I have some challenges that I still need to overcome financially, so for now I need to still work the 9-5 job. However, I have decided to put myself out there and build my portfolio by taking pictures of families, friends, kids....basically whoever will let me!!

I feel content, I feel like I finally feel right about what I want to do professionally. I feel like I am honoring God with the gifts that he gave me.

I feel like I have found my sweet spot.....

Day in Life-Thursday

2008-10-09T20:35:00.003-06:00

Picture:

Thursday Thoughts-
A beautiful fall day with great temperatures and blue skies. This is what fall feel likes to me and why I am so happy to be experiencing it again. I drive by this tree frequently and I could not help but stop today and take a picture. The trees are just starting to turn but this one is already brilliant in color.
Mom came home from Missouri tonight. It was nice to have the house to myself but its also nice to have her home!!
Thank goodness that tomorrow is Friday because I am totally looking forward to the weekend. I need it!!

Day in Life-Wednesday (UPDATED)

2008-10-09T06:52:00.003-06:00

On my calendar Wednesday was the perfect quote and pretty much described my feelings....

"Remember no one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Pictures:

Wednesday was a crazy day at work...I am pretty sure I was not off the phone all day. So therefore I was a little cranky because I felt like it was never going to end. I spent the evening at Church working with the Awana kids. We went on a nature walk where we talked about God's creations, it was really fun. I drive by the older church in the picture almost everyday. I love its old look and stained glass windows, it was raining in the morning and so I thought this was pretty cool. It's a little fuzzy because I took it through my window while waiting out the four-way stop. I kind of feel like it reminds me to look at things that I see every day that are beautiful.

seriously funny

2008-10-07T20:44:00.001-06:00

ok if you want a really good laugh click HERE

but a warning make sure you don't have to go to the bathroom because I can't guarantee you wouldn't pee your pants :)

Day in Life- Tuesday

2008-10-07T20:10:00.004-06:00

Pictures....

Tuesday Words:
-more drama at work..will it ever end?
-the day did go by quickly though
-tried to eat healthy again
-got some good news in the mail
-worked on some budget stuff
-went to a bible study and had some good laughs
-sang in the car on the way home
-trudged home in the rain
-bought new shoes...with a coupon
-tied to get the dog to go out in the rain
-need to wind down for bed, but I am not feeling tired
-listening to the dog chew on his bone
-catch-up on blogs
-missed Dancing with the Stars...bummed out!!

Week In Life- Monday

2008-10-06T20:05:00.003-06:00

hello there- i decided that I needed to change up things on this here blog. So I decided to do a challenge that Ali Edwards is doing on her blog. Basically it is a few pictures and words/statements of what happened that day. Nothing special, the point being we all do things everyday that seem mundane to us but could be pretty special. So I decided that is exactly what I needed to get out of a blogging rut....

Monday Pictures:

Monday Words:

-did not want to get out of bed
-got some coffee to get going
-very busy day at work
-tired of babysitting at work
-canned soup for lunch
-hmmm...Honeycrisp Apple & peanut butter
-caught up with friends
-lit a candle and enjoyed the fall decor
-read some blogs
-caught up on my blog
-watched Dancing with the Stars
-winding down for the night
-feeling munchy and trying to fight it

a family weekend...

2008-09-29T20:14:00.002-06:00

speaking of my brother he was in town this weekend for his class reunion. I won't tell you how many years because that would be wrong but let's just say it has been a couple of decades since he has seen some of the people :)

It was really nice to get to hang out with him and his girlfriend Michelle. On Saturday we went downtown Geneva to Third Street and just walked around shopping and seeing the sites. It was a beautiful day and it was awesome to be able to have some quality family time.

Here's some pics...

ten-hut!

2008-09-29T20:07:00.003-06:00

there's an officer on deck!!

I'm not sure why but I don't really talk about my brother very much and what he does. Part of it is that he can't tell me because it's "classified" We are 8 years apart so its hard too because there is such an age gap, we didn't really grow-up together. As we have gotten older we have grown a little closer but we don't get to see each other very often.

Anyway, Mark has been in the Navy for 15 years now and I am very proud of all his accomplishments! He flies on planes that search for the bad guy and then let the people on the ground know. About 6 weeks ago we got a call from him saying that he had made Chief Petty Officer, which is a really big deal! Mom & I were very proud because he had been working very hard for it. Mom went out to Seattle last week for the ceremony and so he is now officially a Chief.... I'm proud of you big brother...thanks for keeping our country a little safer.

Love, Kiddo

monday musings

2008-09-22T09:26:00.002-06:00

slow at work this morning...so I wanted to share this. I watched the Emmy's last night, well actually I had it on in the background. When they said though that Josh Groban was going to be singing I tuned in. I looooove Josh Groban, if you don't know who he is you should definitely look him up on iTunes or something. What was great about watching him do this last night was that it was out of his shell of what he normally does. So I thought it was pretty cool....in fact it was probably the best part of the show...the rest of it was boring!!

single chick chronicles-who I am

2008-09-21T11:35:00.002-06:00

it is interesting when you start thinking about dating and meeting someone new, you start thinking a lot about who you are. When you list yourself on these dating websites there are a myriad of things that you can say or not say.

sometimes I think when we get into a relationship or trying to impress someone we may tend to censor ourselves. In my last relationship I lost a lot of myself and I really didn't even realize it until it was all said and done. I realized that I tried too hard to be something that he wanted and maybe not what I always wanted.

So as I start to make my way into this single world I want to remind myself to be true to me and don't change just because I think it will make someone like me better. You know how I am about lists, so here's one to remind myself of who I am.

I am someone who....

loves my family...whether linked by blood or not
listens
loves my jeans
loves pink
takes pictures
is creative
has many dreams still to fulfill
is committed to my faith
has a heart for children
likes to read
gives hugs
knows about technology
loves to snuggle
loves my dog
appreciates nature
wants to continually learn
owns a lot of purses
and shoes
not afraid of change
tells people what i am thinking
passionate
is a little OCD
likes naps
struggles with weight
just wants to live life
...........................

i have always loved this song and I think it goes really great with my thoughts today

welcome little one

2008-09-21T11:28:00.002-06:00

ok, so no we have not been in labor since I last blogged. Ooops...sorry to keep you waiting so long.

The birth went great and fast!! I am absolutely astounded by the whole birthing process. Thank you again Kristen & Gary for allowing me to be a part of this awesome event. I am so proud of my friend, she was awesome!! Mr. Logan surprised us all at 4:47 am on Thursday morning. We were all trying to get some sleep when he decided that he wanted to make his entrance....Kristen went from a 6 to pushing in 20 minutes...hello! It was a beautiful experience to watch...so here he is: Logan James He weighed in at 8 pound 11 ounces so not too big.

happy dance*

2008-09-17T14:00:00.002-06:00

I am sitting writing this blog from MY HOUSE!!!! WOOOO HOOOO.....I guess patience does work...the DSL was installed yesterday which was what we tried before and it couldn't work...but now it can work. Don't ask! I am much happier because it is a cheaper option!!

So now I can blog happily from the comfort of my place in my pj's if I so choose!!

I am on my way to the hospital in a little bit. They are inducing Kristen!!! Here comes Mr. Logan! I am going to be part of the delivery which I am really honored to be a part of. Who knows what help I will give but I'm sure I will figure it out?? So I will try to be giving some updates along the way. I am bringing my compuer in hopes that they have wifi...live birth blogging...how cool is that!!!

music

2008-09-14T12:13:00.002-06:00

what kind of music do you workout to?? Since I am going to try to be on a new exercise plan I am looking at my music and creating a mix. What do you listen to??

I tend to listen to stuff that is rockin', usually anthem type songs. Christina Aguilera, Janet Jackson, P!nk, Kelly Clarkson, Daughtry, Barlowgirl...Some oldies...definitely a mix of stuff.

By the way, P!nk has a new song that I love... It's called So What, you can listen to it on ITunes.

Leave me a comment and let me know!!!

my exercise

2008-09-14T11:53:00.002-06:00

I myself have had a love hate relationship with exercise. When I was in high school I played tennis and loved it. I worked very hard at it too, even taking lessons all through the summer so that I would be ready for the fall season. I even at one point was doing some running...I know, me running crazy!! But actually I really liked running, it gave you such a big release. When I got out of school I still played some tennis here and there but other things got in the way. There have been a few attempts at gym memberships and classes, but I always did find an excuse. About a year and a half ago I actually made some good progress, even finding a swim aerobics class that I really liked. Unfortunately, I had to give up my membership because I couldn't afford it.

Now I know lots of people would say you don't have to belong to a gym to workout..which is totally true if you have something at home to workout on or you do something outdoors. However, now that I have moved back to a place where the weather pretty much stops that around October, than I have to come up with another plan. Working out at home just doesn't seem to do it for me because you have to actually motivate yourself to do it and I think there are too many distractions that can get in the way. So Mom & I went and looked at this small gym that is about 3 minutes from our house (and only a couple more from work) It is small but has all the machines and everything you need. They even offer classes and they also have a punching bag. It's always been my dream to just spend a few minutes a day boxing it out with a punching bag. It is pretty affordable so I think we are going to try it out.

My goal when it comes to working out is that I would like to get to a point where I could do a little running. Nothing crazy, just something to work up to. And next season I would like to get a bike, there are many beautiful trails around this area and I would really like to take advantage of that.

I still have yet to work out my exact plan, but this week my goal is to just move more...taking Roscoe for walks, whatever might get me up and going.

hello reality

2008-09-14T11:33:00.003-06:00

I tried on a pair of jeans this morning that I bought probably about six months or so ago. They were not my usual jeans because they don't have a little stretch built in. So I was able to get them on and button but breathing was another story...that's overrated right?? They were really the only ones that I had clean and I was running late to church so I left them on. Of course they have loosened up as the day has gone on, but leaving them on reminded me that I really need to work on my weight. It's the little things that start adding up that really start annoying me....like the tight jeans.

My sugar levels the last couple of weeks have been very up and down. I have been "crashing" a lot lately which is not a good sign. In talking to my "expert" at work she tells me that this is just a sign that I am getting closer and closer to diabetes. Then she goes on to sternly (but lovingly) lecture me about being young and having the power to change that, she does not because she has Type 1 and will always have to deal with it. But me, I have a choice, one that I need to deal with sooner than later.

I was talking to Mom about it yesterday and I was trying to explain my thoughts...I really couldn't put my finger on what word I would use to explain it, but fear came to my head. The reality is that this is a total major life change, I literally have to not eat/drink things that I have been used to for most of my life. Then my Mom brought up something that was like reality slapping me in the face...she said well it's kind of like an alcoholic. Having to give that up an never letting it be a part of their lives. Oh brother...so true. If I don't take that first step and continue down this path I will have other lifestyle changes to deal with...blood testing, insulin shots, who knows? I don't want to go there...so I must take the first step....admittance.

In church today during communion time I asked God to give me the strength. This is his body that he gave me and I haven't done a good job of taking care of it. I want to do better so that I feel better about myself and in turn honor Him.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

excercise

2008-09-11T07:31:00.002-06:00

ugh...a dirty little word for everyone it seems. exercises has always been low on my list of things to do. as I am getting older though (yes I did just say that) I am realizing that I need to exercise more not only for weight loss but to keep my body in shape. about a month back my Mom's good friend broke her knee cap, i know ouch! She actually was pretty lucky though she didn't need to have surgery because of the way it broke, I did some reading and learned that the main reason for that was because she exercised regularly. Something about her muscles were able to absorb most of the shock and therefore didn't allow the bone to break in a weird way....amazing if you ask me!!

so this has had me thinking a lot about exercise. I think I am finally ready to do something about my body and the weight that I need to lose. I have been reading a lot of peoples blogs lately about their quest of exercise...running or walking a certain amount. It has gotten me thinking A LOT...next week is the premier of another season of The Biggest Loser, last season was the first I had watched and I still recall parts of the show. I recall some of the things that Ali (who won!) said and how I could relate to it so easily! So you will bet that I will be following this one!

I am preparing my mind, getting organized and choosing the best path for me. It will be a slow go, I have a lot to accomplish. You will be seeing some changes here on the old blog to try and motivate and track my progress.

Hold me accountable people!!

9.9.01

2008-09-09T07:00:00.000-06:00

so today was my wedding anniversary. I didn't know if I should post about it but this is the first one that has happened since the divorce has been final. it is a interesting feeling...a mixture of sadness and happiness. I mean I look back at that day and remember the fun and happiness that was a part of the day and I can smile about. I can smile about all the silly things that happened that day and the people that were able to come.

The sadness of course comes from the hard times in the years to come, especially the final two years. I of course am still working through the whole mourning thing of our marriage...what I do know is that I did a lot to fight for the marriage...and a lot of that fighting I was doing alone...which just doesn't work.

I also know that I have no regrets. I really don't. I can say that with every ounce of truth. It sounds a little weird but throughout the 7 years I grew...as a woman, a daughter, a friend, a follower of Christ. I learned more about myself than I care to admit, I learned how strong I am and how much I really can stand up for myself. I learned to put my faith in God and follow his path, yes there were some bumps along the way but overall I made very intentional decisions.

so that's the day...who knows what I will do today (besides work), some have suggested going out and partying...but I will probably lay low.

I have always loved this song...and it seems fitting for today. Because this will eventually become just another day and the hurt will eventually be washed away.

got distracted

2008-09-08T20:23:00.001-06:00

well I was hoping for more blogging tonight...but my time is coming to an end at Starbucks and my eyes are getting tired. I promise more to come soon!!!

this cute boy....

2008-09-08T18:57:00.003-06:00

A few weeks ago Kristen asked if I would take Jax's two year pictures. Of course I said yes, but I was nervous and wanted to have some really good shots for her. We decided to go downtown Batavia by the river, they have a park, an old train museum (with a real train out front) and a water fountain.

Now this boy wasn't the easiest to catch...and he would not look at me!! But overall I think we got some good ones. Here is a few of my favorites! Enjoy...

lets get it on....

2008-09-08T18:53:00.002-06:00

hahaha...got you didn't I....

what I meant was, let's get the bloggin' on! I am at Starbucks, I have two hours and lots to share. So let's get this party started. You know how I don't like to mix topics so there might be a fewwww posts to catch up...just deal!

by the way, weather here today..interesting. It has been raining ALL day and it is cool, only in the 60's. Perfect fall weather...I looove it! Honestly, fall is my favorite time of year and I am stoked to be back to enjoy it. Yes, I really did just use the word stoked.

still no internet at home...might happen by the end of this week but I am not holding my breath. At this point we'll just see when it happens...

i give up..bring it on

2008-08-29T09:43:00.003-06:00

i can't take it...i need internet in my home. i thought i could do it, i hoped that i would be able to just do stuff at work (on lunch or after work) and also go to my free wi-fi places....but it is just not happening how I would like. It might be a little more costly than I would like, but I figure when I go to my free wifi places that I am usually buying a coffee or something, so I will save something there right??

So I told Mom last night that I needed to do something...and she even admitted to not liking being without it even though she doesn't do too much.

so hopefully I will have news of internet in the house, where I can sit in the comfort of my bed and blog and write a book....

that's all for now...i will catch up more this weekend!

new/old music

2008-08-26T19:09:00.002-06:00

Isn't it amazing how you can hear a song and love it...and then realize that you have actually had the cd for a while!! I think that's because we tend to focus in on a few songs, probably the ones most played on the radio and sometimes forget about the rest of the cd. This is a song by Jeremy Camp (who I love!) and I really like it. It brings home the point that we can change...no matter what point of life we are in.

Does anyone have a new/old music they are listening to right now?? I need some new suggestions!

bring it...

2008-08-26T18:54:00.002-06:00

so I had a hair appointment last night...I needed color and a cut. I had been trying to decide for the last week or so what to do. I still had not decided...I had thoughts of going back to my short hair. I had a fleeting thought about short hair and how guys usually don't care for women with short hair (even my own ex didn't like it) but that thought went right out the door when I remembered that this is my hair and I could do whatever I wanted. My philosophy of hair has always been this: it's hair...it will grow back! I have always been willing to try a new style or color. This time around I decided that I needed something that showed "me". I once read something about short hair...they said that you can only have short hair if you have to attitude to wear it. I'm pretty sure that I fall into that category...and I do feel more sassy with it short. So anyway...here it is...thoughts?? Mind you this picture is not the greatest...

updates

2008-08-26T18:33:00.002-06:00

sorry I changed my template again...I just was not happy with the other one it was way to dark & dreary. This one seems a little more cool....just like me :)

Well almost a week since I have posted...darn internet. I actually do have a couple of options to look into this week. We'll see what happens. Not a lot has been going on, the weather has been beautiful. I just have been working and getting more settled into my new space...I promise pictures of that are coming soon!!!

I went and got my library card last week. That was very exciting for me...I know I am a geek. But I love the library, did you ever know my first job was at a library? I absolutely loved it...in fact I think I would get a job there again. So anyway, I was so pleased to get my card at the Batavia library, it is a big beautiful place with so many great resources. Compared to the libraries in Arizona, this one is like a high-end department store. So yes, I did check out books right away! and I have already read one...

I have been keeping busy on the weekends with yard work. We have to keep that up so it naturally has kind of fallen in my lap. I'm not complaining, I really like doing it. There is something about being out in the air playing with dirt that just makes things right with the world.

Have some other things to share but you know I don't like to lump it all together!! So enjoy...

thoughts on the brain

2008-08-20T13:38:00.002-06:00

This no internet at home thing is the pits…have I mentioned that lately?? Just making sure you guys all knew that! And because I am being stubborn (and cheap) I don’t think we will have internet for awhile or maybe ever. So I have to travel to go do my “interneting” as I have started calling it. While this does get me out of the house, it also means I don’t get to blog as often as I would like….because when I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep I don’t think I can make my way to Starbucks or Panera…especially not in my pj’s.

Lots of things going on in this brain lately…lots of thoughts; good & bad. I was reading one of my many blogs that I try to keep up on and she had talked about a Bible study that she had done. It hit home with me because of the point about our own thoughts….

How did this happen? How did David fall?
Well, first, he fell because he was human. All of us are going to fail which is why we need Jesus.
But there were a few other factors.
He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I had never noticed this before, but Beth points out in 2 Samuel 11:1 that we see David send Joab off to war instead of going himself. David stayed in Jerusalem when he should have been with his men.
When he walked up to the roof and saw Bathsheba bathing, he was in a place he shouldn't have been in the first place with too much time on his hands. That's a dangerous combination.
The sight of Bathsheba caused David to have thoughts he shouldn't have, which led to him sending for her, which led to the conception of a child.
I'll let y'all put all those pieces together.
The bottom line is that it was David's thoughts that began his journey down a bad road. If he had asked God to give him the strength to think on what is pure, what is lovely, what is holy as opposed to asking one of his men to go get Bathsheba, that would have been the end of the story.
Beth made it very clear how important it is that we safeguard ourselves from wrong actions by confessing the sins of our thoughts.
It's really made me think about my thought life. How many times do I let my mind go down a path it shouldn't go? How often do I get all judgy in my head about someone? How often do I dwell on something longer than I should?

I have often been struggling lately with my thoughts I think I mentioned that in my last post. The battle is still really there though…My problem is that I want to forget everything that has happened…really I just want to accept it and move on and not have those thoughts in my head any more. The only thing is that my heart and mind really aren’t agreeing on this so this leads to dreams at night and random thoughts that pop into my head during the day. It sucks people…and I know that is a harsh way to put it but it is reality.

Remember that movie “What About Bob” remember how he talked about baby steps? Well I think I have somewhat come to accept that I need to take baby steps. Even though this is really not what I want, I know this is probably more realistic. They say that divorce ranks right up there with death in traumatic things that happen to us…I guess I could agree with that. Add-on the reasons for my own divorce and I guess I should just take things as they come. I have posted a new quote on my sidebar that I am loving right now and trying to adapt in my brain.

so thats all for now folks....I have a few other things to chat about but for now this will have to be it....

Expectations

2008-08-12T18:58:00.002-06:00

Been thinking a lot lately about expectations. Those that we have of ourselves, others, places, events, etc. Most of the time expectations can get us in trouble because we build things up and then are let down. For me I would say I do that of people, many times I have built people up to be let down by things that they have done (or not done).

I’m pretty sure this subject has been most prevelant in my head because of the events that have happened in my life as of late. Growing up we all have those dreams of the “perfect” life…there are those expectations again, I would have never dreamed of the hurt that I have felt by loved ones so close. I certainly would have never dreamed of being by myself and starting over again…but here I am. We as humans put so much stress on ourselves about all these expectations that we should uphold... school, work, relationships, what we look like and the list goes one. Quite honestly I would go as far to say that expectations are partly to blame for all the mental health issues that a lot of us face. Stress, depression, anxiety, addictions... How do we stop it?? I for one don't know, you are talking to someone who takes medication for anxiety and depression. I think it is just a constant struggle to let go of those expectations and to not put them on anyone else. I wouldn't say this doesn't mean we don't have healthy boundaries for our relationships, we can't let people walk all over us, but I think there is a big difference when talking about what is expected and what is normal.

During communion at church this week they started off talking about expectations. The comparison was made to the Olympics and all the “hype” that they bring…all the expectations. We were then asked about our expectations when we walked in the door that morning. Did we expect fellowship, awesome worship, a well thought-out sermon? Did we expect to meet God there, to come to church to be with Him? It was a very powerful thought and one that I obviously can’t get out of my head since I am now writing about it.

God is really the only one in our lives that does not expect anything of us except to love & trust Him. That is a pretty awesome thought if you ask me and the rewards are those same things back. So why don't we just throw the expectations out the window and let God do the rest??

It's an ongoing battle my friends...one that I am still working on daily...sometimes minute by minute...but I know it will come to me one of these days...

what is going on!!!

2008-08-12T18:39:00.002-06:00

so I have noticed something lately about my hair. I have noticed some broken-like frizzy hairs on the top of my head. Now some people have this naturally, especially curly hair...but people my hair is poker straight so I could not figure out what was going on. I had changed shampoo's to something a little more economical, but I couldn't believe that would be the reason.

This morning as I was doing my hair it donned on me what it was!!!! See at work since I am on the phone all day we wear headsets and they are a bit outdated so they are the old style with actual headbands and wires. Why they still have this style is beyond me....so when I went into work this morning I shared my findings. So now, not only do I have a headset dent at the end of the day it has started to affect my my hair health.

This was not acceptable to me so I broached the subject of new headsets that are the newer style...wireless and behind the ear style. Now I admit these things are not cheap and if they replaced mine they would have to replace every one's. But you see once I have something stuck in my head it does not go away and I work until I get it....So starting in a couple of days I will be sporting one of these beauties...

I only hope that my hair will look as good...don't expect that suit though!!

One Word

2008-08-09T18:12:00.002-06:00

I have talked about this blog before where they have a weekly challenge where they post one word and you are supposed to scrapbook about it or do some kind of project with it. It originally stemmed from Ali Edwards and how she challenged everyone on her blog to choose a word for the year. Remember mine was "reinvention"...still a really good word for me.

Well for months I have been wanting to try and follow the challenges but I have just been too crazy busy or lazy I don't know which. Actually I even made a list of the ones that I have missed from the start and was going to try and do all of them. Not sure if I will accomplish that but I really do want to get involved with it. So stay tuned because I vow to start with this weeks word and go from there...Maybe I will choose some of my favorite words from the list and do some of those.

You should check out the blog...it is really interesting to see what one word can mean to so many different people. You can see it here "one word"

A-R-T

2008-08-09T17:59:00.002-06:00

So today Mom & I walked our little downtown and went the Art show. It was really cool to see all the different kinds of artists that were showing. I found myself really drawn to the photographers and mixed media artists. It made me want to be part of that environment more...it gave me the itch to do what they do.

For several months now, I have followed blogs of photographers. I recently stumbled upon a newer one and I loved what she said about photography....

"so much of what i do in my work is about connection. connection between families, siblings, lovers, or the connection between myself and my subject. between me, my camera, and the moment that is unfolding before me"

I was so moved by this statement and such a good definition of why I want to be doing that work. This past week was tough for me at work, we were a little slower so I was not as busy so therefore it left a lot of downtime. I don't like downtime, it messes with my head. It makes me tired and crabby. I like to be stimulated and it is just not happening. Right now I have no other choice to stay there and honestly I don't know where I would go.

I was asked this week what I would like to do, without a doubt in my mind it is something where I can create. The photography thing for me is a little bug that keeps buzzing in my ear. So I am going to attempt to take a class or two this semester in photography...just need to come up with the funds. Then we'll just see where it goes.

In my new space in the house I have a little "create" corner where I was able to set-up some bookcases and a large table. The intention was for scrapbooking and that will be a large part of the use, but I think it will also be for all kinds of art. I think I have decided that unless I get off my duff and challenge myself to do some things that it will never happen.

So look for some things on the blog because I intend to share when I can.

cardboard testimonies

2008-08-06T19:24:00.002-06:00

I saw this the other day and was sooo moved...take some time (about 8 minutes) and watch it...and then watch it again later. It really hits home people, we all struggle at some point in our lives, but we can change!

Sisterchick chronicles...getting real

2008-08-06T18:41:00.002-06:00

I am having one of those moments...the I am bored of this single-life moment. I haven't even been doing it that long...what am I going to do??

Yes I am on some dating websites, but the internet thing is crazy. Plus it didn't really work out last time now did it?? I know I need to get plugged into some kind of singles ministry somewhere but that hasn't really happened yet either.

Here's the thing that I think I am being taught right now...besides the ever important patience...I think that I need to work on loving myself right now. Notice my new title this month?? Here's my thought...when you go through what I have gone through the past two years...you question yourself....a lot! You question your attitude, your physical appearance, everything.....it becomes the eternal question in your brain "if he didn't love me, why would someone else and why should I?" Your confidence gets shot...and it's hard to believe that it can ever be built back up, especially by someone of the opposite sex. Now before you come off your chair, especially my loved ones reading this, I just have to be honest. These are the thoughts that float through your brain and heart...pretty crappy thoughts really. I know this..

Now that I have actually had time to come down from the "high" and be able to focus on me...it brings up a lot of stuff so the last few weeks I have been in a slump. My Mom said I looked "pensive" the other day and the truth was she was right.

I think for a long time I have been struggling within my own skin. Mostly unhappy with my physical being...but in reality that links to emotional. The last few years I could not possibly (or at least that is what I kept telling myself) deal with it. Now I feel like I need to, almost have to, but I also don't know where to really start.

At church this past week, Pastor Dan talked about change...it hit home HARD! It was a great sermon and exactly where I needed to be at that moment. God was talking straight to me during that sermon and basically I was being taught that the change starts with Him...not me as most people might think. Don't get me wrong there is a lot that needs to be done with my own thought process but really it is bringing everything to Him and totally putting the trust there.

Heavy stuff I know...but that is how my heart feels right now. I will work through it, I know it is just the next step in the process.

online woes

2008-08-06T09:33:00.004-06:00

still no internet at home and it is not looking promising. Not sure why but we are not able to get internet at our new address without paying a fortune.....so I am trying to figure out some other options but they are not going well either...

so therefore not much blogging has been going on as you can see... sad I know and this one I am doing at work so it has to be quick!

Not a whole lot going on here just finally getting some more things unpacked and settled. Garage sale went well...didn't sell a lot but at least we got rid of a bunch of stuff no longer needed.

I hope to be back with some posts later today or tomorrow....we'll see!!

Hope everyone is well!

Tracy

new music monday

2008-07-28T10:16:00.000-06:00

haha...tricked you didn't I!! I love the fact that I can set-up posts for future posting. So love it! Anyway, I was looking for some new music and I found this one. Haven't listened to the album all the way through yet but I love what I have heard so far. Very cool sound and great lyrics!!

You can here some samples here

single chick chronicles-the process

2008-07-27T09:50:00.002-06:00

So I am back in therapy...which honestly is a really good thing. I get to go back to the therapist that I saw before I moved...boy was that quite the first session! Had to catch her up on everything that had happened.

I think a lot of people have preconceived notions about therapy. They think it is for crazy people or people that have "serious" issues. I will be the first one to tell you that this is not true. Therapy is like talking to a good friend who is non-judgemental and guides you through dealing with whatever you are going to. They are experts on many issues and have the ability to see something you may not be able to.

So my therapist made the observation that she didn't think I had totally processed or "grieved" my divorce. So you know what that means... yes I will have to work on it some more in sessions to come. Part of me dreads this because I really don't want to dredge things up again...but the other part of me knows that I need to do this in order to have total closure. There are still things that I struggle with, questions in my mind and I want to be able to let them go. I don't want to carry those for the rest of my life...I already have enough issues not related to this that I carry with me.

Life is a process..that is for sure. As much as we wish we could hurry along the process it just doesn't work that way. God wired it that way not because he wants us to suffer but because He knows that we need to learn to just let it happen...He has it all planned out for us.

So as much as right now I would love to meet someone just to have some companionship, I think God is teaching me right now to lean on Him and to use his love.

my "new" hometown

2008-07-27T09:30:00.002-06:00

I thought I would share about where I am living now. I just mentioned to Mom yesterday how much I did miss this area...there is just a different feeling here. I love being in a "small town" atmosphere.

I was born and spent most of my life in Geneva, that is where I went to school and the town that is my answer when people ask where I grew-up. Geneva, Batavia & St.Charles make-up what is known here as the Tri-Cities. They are all situated on the Fox River.

Batavia is where we are renting our new little house. We are literally a walk from downtown. Batavia has a population of about 28,000...so it's not small but it is not huge either. Batavia, like the other tri-cities, has a great downtown area. They also in the past two years have been doing a lot of work downtown. People here are serious about their high school football teams, do a lot of bike riding (lots of trails along the river) and generally just spend time outside. I really look forward to spending more time by the river, possibly even getting a bike at some point....this also is a great location for taking pictures!!

So that's a little bit about where I am!

lessons learned?

2008-07-27T09:20:00.002-06:00

still not Internet & cable = is God trying to teach me something??

This is my thought as I sit at a little cafe type place, I literally have been feeling withdrawal over not being able to blog. On the other hand I wonder if God is trying to teach me something?? The obvious would be patience, but also that I should be focusing on other things?? I am not so sure about this so I will continue to just let that thought stew while I continue to blog my little heart out.

Again, don't get me started on no cable and Internet...It has been such a frustrating time with lots of waiting and time on the phone. Cable will for sure be in on Monday...Internet is a whole other story. Oh well....thankfully I have some close wi-fi spots.

Lots on my bloggy little mind today so I will try to get as much out as I can, but I have lots to do today!! Remember I mentioned that we were going to have a garage sale with Kristen? Well that is next weekend so I have been pricing and getting things organized. I also was able to catch-up on some shows that I have missed...thanks K for recording them for me!! Mom & I are also going to brave a trip to Costco later on today...Mom has never been to the big "C" so I think she will be in for a treat.

Blue Man group on Friday was very cool. Mom & I took the train down and then took a trolley & cab over to the theatre. It really reminded me how much I did miss being away from the city. Not that I go often, but there is such an energy about the city that is really cool. The show itself was fabulous...it is so amazing what they do with such simple everyday things. I would for sure go again!

ok so I have a lot of random thoughts so I am going to put them into their own posts!! here we go....

still nothing...

2008-07-24T06:55:00.003-06:00

no internet & no cable = Tracy going crazy!!

ok, so the first few days were ok. I was busily unpacking and had my music to keep me entertained. But now it is getting a little insane. I know it's silly, because we didn't always have these technology helps, but people I am the generation of e-mail & TiVo.

don't even get me started on why we don't have cable or internet yet, that is just stories of many frustrating minutes on the phone and talking to people that no offense usually don't know what they are doing....but on a more positive note, I have finished 3 books in the last week, something I have not done in probably a year or so. Now two of those I had already started, but it felt really good about finishing them! I plan on posting about one of them, because it was a very interesting book.

I am going to try tonight to go somewhere with free internet and do some blogging...I can't really do the long ones I would like at work...somehow I think that would be frowned upon?

So sit tight...I hope to have new and wonderful things to say very soon!

still here....

2008-07-22T06:30:00.002-06:00

hey friends...yes I am still alive! but without Internet! Yikes! I am hoping to have Internet at home in the next day or so. Then I am hoping to catch everyone up.

The move went well, exhausting as any move is...but Mom and I are settling in nicely. We are very excited about our new little home. I had a request for posting a picture of at least the outside, so I am hoping to get that done this week.

Other than that just working and unpacking...I'm excited because on Friday we are going to Blue Man Group. I had been wanting to go for as long as I can remember, but no one ever took me. So I told Mom that all I wanted to do for my birthday was go to Blue Man....we had to reschedule with all the craziness that happened in June and now we are finally going. It should be pretty cool!!

Well I suppose I should get to work...have a great week!

{a creative life}

annoyed...at myself

longing to be green again

underwater again?

my trainer and friend

to quit or not to quit

same ol' story

THE Challenge

BRING IT!

disappointment

mothers...

reflections in the mirror

patterns

what I didn't want to say....

back {{and working on}} getting better!!

Singlechick Chronicles: Treading Lightly

facing the fear

countdown for change

From Dwelling to Joy

crawl

the last word

when thoughts stink

iChoose...ME!

Book Review #2

Single Chick Chronicles...can't help but wonder & anniversary

Book Review...

filling the soul

The Courage for Reinvention

Single Chick Chronicles- Togetherness

music monday

whispers from above

courage

stop pretending

art

the a-ha moment

Music Monday

state of my mind

catching up

this is me...

update

Healthy Train Update- Week 9

Hello 2009!

Christmas wrap-up

lost: christmas spirit

is this thing on??

Healthy Train- Week 4

snow dog....

Single Chick Chronicles- No Compromises

so sad

new song...

catching up

realizations

what's up!!!!!!!!!

check it out

girls day!!!

so did I??

fall...elections..pictures..and tattoos??

new song

searching

in love...

fall is here....

Single Chick Chronicles....this stinks

investing in my dreams

the sweet spot

Day in Life-Thursday

Day in Life-Wednesday (UPDATED)

seriously funny

Day in Life- Tuesday

Week In Life- Monday

a family weekend...

ten-hut!

monday musings

single chick chronicles-who I am

welcome little one

**happy dance***

music

my exercise

hello reality

excercise

9.9.01

happy dance*