I'm annoyed...at myself...so forgive me if I rant and rave a little. As I sit here writing this I am tired and feeling drained. Not the typical late night tiredness (although that too) but also because it was a very rough day physically. My sugar was all over the place today...I had a major crash around 11:00, to the point where I came home and tested to see just hoe bad it was....yeah it wasn't good. So I ate something and relaxed a little and it did come back up so I headed back to work. Still not feeling the greatest but I had to get back to work so that I could actually have my vacation for the next 3 days. Anyway, about an hour or so after I got back to work I felt a crash coming on so I tested and it was dropping again which I couldn't figure out. Anyway....throughout the day it was up and down and I really had to make sure I was eating to get it stabilized. So after a day like that you tend to feel exhausted and kind of woozy...almost like a hangover feeling.
So why do I tell you this? Well I am more getting it out because I am pissed that I let it happen and actually have been letting it happen for the last month or so. See, when I am eating healthy and eating smaller meals and cutting out the crap, this doesn't happen. I feel good and have fairly good energy. So why the heck is it that even when I know this...I still choose to make shitty decisions when it comes to what I eat/drink. I add drink in there because my coffee drinks are some of my worse offenders.
I am tired of being on this roller coaster that I put myself on...this up and down of eating right and not eating right. I just can't seem to keep myself on a good pattern and it is pissing me off.
I am sick and tired of being..well... sick and tired....Tomorrow I am going to a metabolic disorder doctor. I had this suggestion from my trainer and the more research I did on it, the more I realized that I have a lot of the symptoms of a metabolic disorder. So tomorrow I will go for the initial testing where we will talk about all my crappy symptoms and do some tests (including bloodwork..yuck!) I am both excited and apprehensive...I want to see if this really could be what I am fighting and how I can combat it.
In the meantime, I vow never to have another day like today in terms of my sugar...and I know how to avoid it...so I just need to stick with that!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
longing to be green again
what the heck do I mean by this?? I mean to be wearing The Green Apron again of course....to be working at Starbucks again. It's funny when I first started at Starbucks while living in Arizona it was for two reasons: I found myself in need of health insurance and I was going crazy being at home with my freelance job with no human interaction. A friend in my Bible study suggested I interview and from then on it's history....I LOVED that job. Don't get me wrong it was work and I worked a lot of weird crazy long hours but the job suited me so well. I am a people person, I love to interact with all kinds of people...even the crabby ones.
When I moved back to Illinois I had every intention of just transferring back to a store here and keep working but with moving back and starting back at the full time job, I decided that it would be too much. Ever since then I have missed it...every time I walk into a store (which is often..lol) I get that feeling of wanting to be back behind the counter. So the other day I was at one with my Mom and a friend of ours and I decided to ask if they were doing any hiring. A manager said most definitely because there were people going back to school and leaving, there were a few locations in the area needing people. I've been thinking for a little while that I need something part-time, to help financially and also have that social interaction again. So I went home and applied on-line (which is a new thing for them). I am hoping I will hear something...I would love to be green again...and I will admit I still have my aprons and all my manuals...I know I'm a nerd!
So here's hoping....
When I moved back to Illinois I had every intention of just transferring back to a store here and keep working but with moving back and starting back at the full time job, I decided that it would be too much. Ever since then I have missed it...every time I walk into a store (which is often..lol) I get that feeling of wanting to be back behind the counter. So the other day I was at one with my Mom and a friend of ours and I decided to ask if they were doing any hiring. A manager said most definitely because there were people going back to school and leaving, there were a few locations in the area needing people. I've been thinking for a little while that I need something part-time, to help financially and also have that social interaction again. So I went home and applied on-line (which is a new thing for them). I am hoping I will hear something...I would love to be green again...and I will admit I still have my aprons and all my manuals...I know I'm a nerd!
So here's hoping....
Sunday, August 15, 2010
underwater again?
About a year ago I started going to a new church, The Orchard
I wasn't a fan of church "shopping" on my own but knew that it was time to move on from where I was going. The first thing that drew me in was the fact that there was a Saturday night service..I loved that I could go and then be able to sleep in on Sundays or do other activities. I went pretty steady for about 3 months and then I started getting out of the habit...other things got in the way...and while I could sit here and say that it was "life" that got in the way, I now know that it was more fear than anything. Fear of the things that I were doing in my life weren't really honoring to God and deep down I knew it. So I ran...
The moment I needed to stick my heels in and face church...face my faith....face my failures...I ran....
The thing that I love about the Orchard is that it is very "real" there...everything from the worship to the sermons...no one is put on a pedestal except for God...they feel strongly about bringing broken people into the church. People that need or want a second chance...whatever you have been through it doesn't matter...bring it.
So much different than what I found when I returned to my former church before moving to Arizona. It was "his" church originally and even though many said that I was welcome by myself it still felt like everyone was judging or questioning. I needed to go someplace where no one knew my story nor did they care...unless I wanted to share it. I found that at The Orchard...
Sometime this spring I decided that I needed to get back to church...I started attending more regulalry and started feeling something good happening. I knew that there was a change coming inside of me...I didn't know how or when it would happen but I just decided to wait it out. There were still times that I was making poor choices but I still kept going to church and facing those choices head on. With worship and intense messages.
The time came for the yearly BBQ & Baptism at the church and I was really excited about it. I volunteered to help out at the BBQ and was really looking forward to seeing the baptisms. I went to church on Sunday morning with good friends and the service rocked my world. The music was intense and during the sermon they had a few people that were getting baptized later in the day telling their stories. Where they had come from, why they had made this choice...the stories we awesome. One in particular hit home about choices and forgiveness. Two things that I had struggled with especially in the last year. After the sermon they had another song and prayer...I cried through the entire thing. I had never ever felt more convicted to make some serious changes. I felt the holy spirit right there....I decided right then that I wanted to have a fresh start...so I sought out one of the pastors after the service and asked if I could be baptized later in the day. He said yes and then I was on a whirlwhind the rest of the day to get ready and fulfill my volunteering duties.
Getting in the water and watching the people getting "dunked" before me was amazing...I felt relieved and knew that this was the right choice. When I came out of the water I felt like I was on a high...God's natural high! I made some very hard decisions to stop things I was doing and take a break from some things...a week later and I am still feeling blessed and trying to open my eyes to learning all that I can on this new journey that God has me on.
I wasn't a fan of church "shopping" on my own but knew that it was time to move on from where I was going. The first thing that drew me in was the fact that there was a Saturday night service..I loved that I could go and then be able to sleep in on Sundays or do other activities. I went pretty steady for about 3 months and then I started getting out of the habit...other things got in the way...and while I could sit here and say that it was "life" that got in the way, I now know that it was more fear than anything. Fear of the things that I were doing in my life weren't really honoring to God and deep down I knew it. So I ran...
The moment I needed to stick my heels in and face church...face my faith....face my failures...I ran....
The thing that I love about the Orchard is that it is very "real" there...everything from the worship to the sermons...no one is put on a pedestal except for God...they feel strongly about bringing broken people into the church. People that need or want a second chance...whatever you have been through it doesn't matter...bring it.
So much different than what I found when I returned to my former church before moving to Arizona. It was "his" church originally and even though many said that I was welcome by myself it still felt like everyone was judging or questioning. I needed to go someplace where no one knew my story nor did they care...unless I wanted to share it. I found that at The Orchard...
Sometime this spring I decided that I needed to get back to church...I started attending more regulalry and started feeling something good happening. I knew that there was a change coming inside of me...I didn't know how or when it would happen but I just decided to wait it out. There were still times that I was making poor choices but I still kept going to church and facing those choices head on. With worship and intense messages.
The time came for the yearly BBQ & Baptism at the church and I was really excited about it. I volunteered to help out at the BBQ and was really looking forward to seeing the baptisms. I went to church on Sunday morning with good friends and the service rocked my world. The music was intense and during the sermon they had a few people that were getting baptized later in the day telling their stories. Where they had come from, why they had made this choice...the stories we awesome. One in particular hit home about choices and forgiveness. Two things that I had struggled with especially in the last year. After the sermon they had another song and prayer...I cried through the entire thing. I had never ever felt more convicted to make some serious changes. I felt the holy spirit right there....I decided right then that I wanted to have a fresh start...so I sought out one of the pastors after the service and asked if I could be baptized later in the day. He said yes and then I was on a whirlwhind the rest of the day to get ready and fulfill my volunteering duties.
Getting in the water and watching the people getting "dunked" before me was amazing...I felt relieved and knew that this was the right choice. When I came out of the water I felt like I was on a high...God's natural high! I made some very hard decisions to stop things I was doing and take a break from some things...a week later and I am still feeling blessed and trying to open my eyes to learning all that I can on this new journey that God has me on.
my trainer and friend
I briefly mentioned in my last post that I have a new trainer....I want to start this by saying he is awesome and has made the transition great!
When I first started working out at the gym I had started with Trainer #1...he and I did not mesh AT ALL...his style of motivation was not what I was looking for and instead of just living with it I decided to make a few waves and let them know I wanted to change. Then comes along Joe...my Mom had actually been working out with him so I had talked to him every once in awhile and she really like him. So I decided to give it a try.
My first few workouts with Joe were getting to know each other...me learning his personality and training styles...him learning my limitations and where he could push. I think it was probably only the second week where I felt like we were old friends. He was not only a trainer but a good therapist and friend...supporting not only in terms of working out and food issues but other stresses in my life. We had fun during workouts but we also worked hard and I felt and saw changes in my body. Even when we weren't working out, I would get motivational texts and checking in on my with my food choices. I never felt like I was being yelled at and never saw dissapointment when I made bad choices....just tried to figure out what sparked it.
Even during my foot injury when I was so down on myself, Joe was there to pick me up....he knew what to say and when to make me laugh. In July, Joe got married and took a much deserved week off for a honeymoon. That week made me realize how much he meant as a trainer and friend...needless to say I didn't do much working out that week! About the second time after he got back I came into the gym for a workout and was warming up on the bike. Joe came over and he had a very serious look on his face and seemed like he was struggling to tell me something. It was then that I felt that feeling in my stomach...you know the one..where something is coming...Joe has decided to move to another gym in an effort to improve and gain financially for his family. I of course couldn't be mad at him for that and realized that it was the best thing for him and his family...but boy at that moment my world felt like it was crashing down. I know it may sound dramatic....but I thought about what I would do, who I would workout with, who would be that extra push that I needed oh so much? We didn't work out that day...we sat and tried not to cry...talked about who I could go with. Eventually, I just left the gym and came home and balled my eyes out.
So for the next week I tried to come to terms with what was happening....even though I still miss him and yes we still talk every once in awhile...there were a couple of things I realized. First, even though Joe is at another gym I still have with me everything he taught me...about working out and about choices. I will never ever forget the sound of his laugh (that is really just not possible!!) He has given me foundations that I will take with me to every workout. Second, while having a trainer is awesome and a great privelage I need to learn to be able to motivate myself...to get my butt in the gym and work hard just like I had someone right there telling me to push.
Now it is on to trainer #3, Tom...he is different but still motivating and funny just in a really quiet way! Which is way different for me...lol.
When I first started working out at the gym I had started with Trainer #1...he and I did not mesh AT ALL...his style of motivation was not what I was looking for and instead of just living with it I decided to make a few waves and let them know I wanted to change. Then comes along Joe...my Mom had actually been working out with him so I had talked to him every once in awhile and she really like him. So I decided to give it a try.
My first few workouts with Joe were getting to know each other...me learning his personality and training styles...him learning my limitations and where he could push. I think it was probably only the second week where I felt like we were old friends. He was not only a trainer but a good therapist and friend...supporting not only in terms of working out and food issues but other stresses in my life. We had fun during workouts but we also worked hard and I felt and saw changes in my body. Even when we weren't working out, I would get motivational texts and checking in on my with my food choices. I never felt like I was being yelled at and never saw dissapointment when I made bad choices....just tried to figure out what sparked it.
Even during my foot injury when I was so down on myself, Joe was there to pick me up....he knew what to say and when to make me laugh. In July, Joe got married and took a much deserved week off for a honeymoon. That week made me realize how much he meant as a trainer and friend...needless to say I didn't do much working out that week! About the second time after he got back I came into the gym for a workout and was warming up on the bike. Joe came over and he had a very serious look on his face and seemed like he was struggling to tell me something. It was then that I felt that feeling in my stomach...you know the one..where something is coming...Joe has decided to move to another gym in an effort to improve and gain financially for his family. I of course couldn't be mad at him for that and realized that it was the best thing for him and his family...but boy at that moment my world felt like it was crashing down. I know it may sound dramatic....but I thought about what I would do, who I would workout with, who would be that extra push that I needed oh so much? We didn't work out that day...we sat and tried not to cry...talked about who I could go with. Eventually, I just left the gym and came home and balled my eyes out.
So for the next week I tried to come to terms with what was happening....even though I still miss him and yes we still talk every once in awhile...there were a couple of things I realized. First, even though Joe is at another gym I still have with me everything he taught me...about working out and about choices. I will never ever forget the sound of his laugh (that is really just not possible!!) He has given me foundations that I will take with me to every workout. Second, while having a trainer is awesome and a great privelage I need to learn to be able to motivate myself...to get my butt in the gym and work hard just like I had someone right there telling me to push.
Now it is on to trainer #3, Tom...he is different but still motivating and funny just in a really quiet way! Which is way different for me...lol.
to quit or not to quit
so the last time I was on here back in May...really can't believe I have let this go this long...I was starting a fitness challenge at the gym. For the first couple of weeks I did really well, was getting into a workout groove and lost a few pounds. Then...some wet stairs mixed with flip flops happened...I originally went to urgent care just to make sure nothing was broken. X-Ray came back with nothing broken and I was sent home with crutches and told to stay off it. I stayed off it for a weekend and by Monday it was somewhat better...I was trying to still workout but not doing much on my foot. Well about a week later I was a bit cocky at the gym and I think I hurt it more or again. So to the orthopedic doc I went and came home with a diagnosis of two sprained ligaments and at minimum two weeks in a walking boot. The boot was hell...and so was the fact that she told me I could do no weight bearing exercises at the gym.
to make a long story short I spent six weeks in the boot, started some physical therapy and actually followed the doctors orders by not doing anything leg related at the gym. Needless to say...it was a blow to my motivation and momentum in the fitness challenge. I was still working out but really could only do upper body which meant not a lot of calorie burning. I have been out of the boot for over a week now and the foot is feeling good...although I am still babying it.
when my new trainer (more on that in the next post) asked me the other day if I was finishing the challenge I said no...why would I? I haven't really lost any weight and with the injury I didn't feel like I accomplished anything. Boy did I get a look from him...and then when I mentioned something to my old trainer he said...there is no way you are quitting.
both of their words have stuck with me all weekend...and I realize they are right. Part of my issues with weight is that I start of strong and then something changes and I quit...I don't finish. So I have realized that even though I may have not met my goals for this challenge I am still going to finish strong....I have about 2 1/2 more weeks and I will do the best I can...and also write the essay that goes along with it!
so no quitting!!!
to make a long story short I spent six weeks in the boot, started some physical therapy and actually followed the doctors orders by not doing anything leg related at the gym. Needless to say...it was a blow to my motivation and momentum in the fitness challenge. I was still working out but really could only do upper body which meant not a lot of calorie burning. I have been out of the boot for over a week now and the foot is feeling good...although I am still babying it.
when my new trainer (more on that in the next post) asked me the other day if I was finishing the challenge I said no...why would I? I haven't really lost any weight and with the injury I didn't feel like I accomplished anything. Boy did I get a look from him...and then when I mentioned something to my old trainer he said...there is no way you are quitting.
both of their words have stuck with me all weekend...and I realize they are right. Part of my issues with weight is that I start of strong and then something changes and I quit...I don't finish. So I have realized that even though I may have not met my goals for this challenge I am still going to finish strong....I have about 2 1/2 more weeks and I will do the best I can...and also write the essay that goes along with it!
so no quitting!!!
same ol' story
I know what you are thinking....every time she comes on here every couple of months and says "oh I'm sorry for being gone so long" yada yada yada....well I am sorry I have been gone. It is actually pretty funny because I think about the blog almost on a daily basis.....what I should do with it, starting something totally new, etc.
So anyway....lots of changes in me...on the blog...here is a preview of what's to come:
* to quit or not to quit
* my trainer and friend
* underwater again?
* longing to be green again
ok...so see you very soon!!!
So anyway....lots of changes in me...on the blog...here is a preview of what's to come:
* to quit or not to quit
* my trainer and friend
* underwater again?
* longing to be green again
ok...so see you very soon!!!
Friday, May 28, 2010
THE Challenge
So the weight loss contest starts next weekend (coincides with my birthday...ironic?) and will go through August 29th. Basically 3 months...my trainer and I have talked a lot about what I need to do or not do. Here is a general outline...
*MUST watch the food intake...I am already eliminating Gluten and any refined flours so I will be generally eliminating carbs all together. I will be keeping a daily food log which I have already put in a binder and put some Tracy touches to it...you know I have to be organized about this!!
*I will be working out with my trainer minimally two times a week possibly three. During these workouts I need to bring all I have so that I can burn maximum calories! I will also be working out two mornings a week with my challenge buddy! I also plan on adding in some yoga and Zumba classes to this mix so I can burn more and have some fun too!
*I will be taking my vitamins and supplements everyday as I should be!! I also plan on doing a lot of smoothies and "green" drinks...more on that to come!
So that is a general outline...I am sure that things will be added or tweeked. I am excited and nervous...I really feel like this is the big push that I need so I want to do well....and more than ever it is for myself.
*MUST watch the food intake...I am already eliminating Gluten and any refined flours so I will be generally eliminating carbs all together. I will be keeping a daily food log which I have already put in a binder and put some Tracy touches to it...you know I have to be organized about this!!
*I will be working out with my trainer minimally two times a week possibly three. During these workouts I need to bring all I have so that I can burn maximum calories! I will also be working out two mornings a week with my challenge buddy! I also plan on adding in some yoga and Zumba classes to this mix so I can burn more and have some fun too!
*I will be taking my vitamins and supplements everyday as I should be!! I also plan on doing a lot of smoothies and "green" drinks...more on that to come!
So that is a general outline...I am sure that things will be added or tweeked. I am excited and nervous...I really feel like this is the big push that I need so I want to do well....and more than ever it is for myself.
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